June Really Sucked

So...a few things have happened to me this past month that were not good...let's recap.

1) June 4 - The whole shootout thing in Moncton... my sister's boyfriend lives in the area that it happened, and that was locked down, so naturally we were worried about him, but luckily he wasn't home when it happened, but he couldn't get home from where he was. He ended up being stuck at a restaurant just outside the lockdown area for a few hours, which wasn't exactly a safe spot to be, but eventually went to a friend's place in a different town. And I feel so bad for those mounties who were killed and their families, I really hope the asshole who did this gets what he deserves. Life in prison without parole. My dad was a mountie so I know how it is to see your dad go to work everyday and wonder if he'll come home.

2) June 12 - My cousin died tragically in a house fire, I was close friends with her daughter in high school. Our families were close to each other, so that was hard on us. Me and my dad went to a get together for her, but they aren't having a funeral, which was her father's idea. A lot of people were upset about that. I also saw my cousin (her daughter) the other day in town, and was talking to her for a bit. It must be really tough to lose your mother. Especially in a way that could have been avoided. :( A couple days after the tragedy, I went to her trailer to lay down a rose in the memorial they had going. It was harder than I thought it would be to see her trailer and how burned it was.

3) June 19 - I lost my job. A half hour before my shift ended, they called me aside and told me that after 3 months they do an evaluation to see if I'm a good fit for the company or not, and apparently I'm not a good fit. My manager said that it's not that I'm a bad employee, cause I'm not, just that I'm not a good fit in that particular store :/ So that was my last shift, and I had no idea it was coming. But according to my friend who works there, she said that they can fire you when you're on your 3 month probation with no reason or warning. So, basically now I'm jobless yet again, until God knows how long, and I really hope that I can find a job before I go to Massachusetts in the fall. Sigh. Well, at least I have the money saved for when James gets here, so that was one less worry.

So, that's how bad the month of June was for me. The only good thing about it was on the day I got fired, there was a nice thunder and lightning storm that lasted about a half hour. And after that storm, there was a huge double rainbow. I can post photos on here.

Storm clouds.

Double rainbow. Couldn't get the whole thing in one photo.

Of course, I only wished that James was here to watch it with me. Sigh.

And that's another thing I'm worried about...James. What's going to happen with his passport next month when he goes back in? Are they going to tell him that it got denied? That he has to apply for it over again? Or that he has to wait another 6 - 8 weeks until it arrives? Or will we get actual good news for once, and that it will be ready in 3 weeks since he did originally apply for the 3 weeks one. Ugh. It's frustrating, not knowing. All he wants is a damn passport to come to Canada for a week and they're jerking him around. 

I'm scared that if things go bad with his passport, what'll happen with our relationship? Will we just give up and break up? He's told me that he said if things go bad with his passport and he won't be able to get it for a while yet, that I should just break up with him because he's not worthy of me. I've thought about breaking up with him too if things go bad with his passport, but the thought of never getting to meet him kills me now. I'm depressed now, but if things go bad with his passport and we do end up breaking up I'll be even worse. I don't know. I really want this relationship to work and seeing him on skype last night made me even more desperate to be with him. I'm just really scared that things will go bad next month and we'll end up breaking up :'(

He's told me he doesn't want to lose me, but that if he can't see me this summer, that he's not worthy of me. He said he does want to come here first, so that my family can trust him and trust that he is who he says he is. So that when I go there, it won't be a big worry for them since they will know him. I've thought about going there too if things go bad, but I do know my mom wouldn't let me at all. She'd probably think that he sounds sketchy if he can't come here. I'm like, I'm 25 mom, even kids younger than me travel anywhere they want to, by themselves. At least I've been talking to this guy for almost 9 months now so it's not like I just up and ran off to meet a stranger. And I know he's not a scammer.

In a book I read recently, Just One Day, the girl is 19 I think? And after she has that one day with the guy in Paris, she can't shake the feeling of him. So a year later she decides to look for him, and her parents let her (although reluctantly) go to Paris completely alone, to find this guy she only knew for one day because it's "true love". I know that is ridiculous and probably no parents in their right mind in the real world would let their daughter do that. At least, not their teenage daughter. If she was my age, they would probably let her. But anyway.

I think there's a glitch on blogger or something because as I was writing this, every so often it would randomly go back to the blogger dashboard. Luckily it has auto save or I'd be really pissed, but it's still annoying. I didn't click on any buttons or anything, at least I didn't notice. I don't know.

But I really hope this relationship works out, because I desperately want to meet James. I'm praying for good news next month. I think he's going back to the passport office maybe next week or the week after. And whatever news they give us could end up either destroying what's left of my life or making me very happy. I'm so scared... :(

LDR Depression

Being depressed without your LDR partner there with you is hard. It's like, you think about all the times you could be having if they were here...but they're not.

For me it's harder. I have friends who never want to hang out. So when I'm not at work, I'm at home alone a lot. I barely get out when I'm not talking to James. All I keep thinking about is all the nice summer days that are going by, and I'm not with him out doing fun things. These days are very difficult.

Hopefully next month, his passport should be here. They are waiting for his case to be closed for a year before starting to get it ready. And his case was closed in July of last year. So, that means they should be starting to get his passport ready next month. And with that, he should be here in August. I really hope that happens. If we haven't met by the end of August, there's something wrong :( I am being cautious about this. I mean I love him and I know he's not a scammer. I just don't want to keep waiting and waiting and getting hurt when he doesn't show up. I know he wants to meet me though, so it's not that he doesn't want to meet me.

I don't want to be like those girls on Dr. Phil who keep waiting and each time they try to meet their "lover", there's some excuse as to why their "lover" can't meet them, because they're a scammer and they obviously don't want to meet them. I dont' want it to go on forever like that. We've been together over 8 months now, and I really want this to work. I have a fantasy all played out in my mind, and I hope that it'll come true with him.

But, me and James have waited 8+ months already, what's another two months? That feels like nothing to us. Most local couples can't go a few days without seeing each other, and I'm sure if me and James lived in the same town, it would be the same thing for us.

Now he's in Massachusetts until Sunday, and I have no idea when he'll be online tonight. He was online briefly this morning, for about an hour before he left (around 11am my time, 10am his time). It takes between 4 - 6 hours to get there, depending on traffic and weather (apparently it was raining off and on there). So, they would have got there between 2 - 4 pm his time. It is now 5:30 his time, and he hasn't been on yet. And I'm starting to get annoyed. And when that happens, it usually leads to me being pissed off at him for being late.

I get that he's probably spending time with his family, but I mean, if that were me, the first thing I'd do once I got there would be to get on my laptop and let him know that I made it and that I'd be going out with my family soon but I'll be back later. It's not that hard, right? At least then it would stop him from worrying all night about me. I just wish he would have thought to do the same, but apparently he didn't. He didn't even tell me what he would be doing once he got there. He just said, "I'll be on when I can". That doesn't give me anything to go by, all I'm going to do is sit here and worry and be pissed if he doesn't come on until too late tonight. Late meaning 10pm my time or later.

It just pisses me off that guys can do that. Go on to have fun and not even think to let us know they're ok, or what they're doing. Meanwhile we're sitting here worrying the fuck out of ourselves and then they wonder why we're pissed when they don't get on until way later than they should have.

Well, they are probably out having supper now, maybe he'll come on after he gets back from that, or after he's done eating. I hope so. I hate all this waiting around, and he should know by now that it just makes me pissed off even more :/