True Love VS Infatuation

Came upon a quote that says "True love doesn't mean being inseparable, it means being separated and nothing changes". And it's true. I'm sure we all have those friends who are couples and are constantly with each other, all over each other. Or if our friends aren't like that, then we at least know someone who is.

My former best friend is like that with his girlfriend. He came into my store last night while I was working, whether he saw me or not I don't know since he didn't acknowledge me and not sure if he looked my way or noticed me. They ended up not buying anything either so I didn't notice them leave. But anyway, when they came in the door I noticed his hand was on her back, as it always seems to be whenever I see them in public together. And then my friend who works with me and knows him too from high school, she went around and saw them kissing in the corner, then saw his girlfriend trying to look at things and he was hanging all over her like touching and kissing her, and my friend kind of gently (purposely) tapped him in the leg with her broom and she said at first she didn't think he knew who she was, then he just kind of laughed. She said he seemed to be dazed, like in his own little world, and wouldn't surprise me if he did see me but didn't think to say "hey!" and get me to talk to him for a minute.

I don't care what you say, hanging all over each other like that in public is not true love. It clearly shows that they are infatuated with each other and it's still puppy love. Most people in relationships do that at first, then they calm down after a while. But nope, it's been almost 3 years for them and they're still like that. He may be "in love" with her but I bet most of it is still infatuation or even lust.

I just think it's inappropriate to be all kissy and smoochy in public. Even touching each other too much is inappropriate. Holding hands and a kiss here and there is fine, obviously. But not like hanging all over each other, grabbing butts/boobs, practically making out, unable to move an inch away from each other, etc. Get a room, seriously.

I know that him and her couldn't go a month being apart. They would expire. They can barely go a day without being apart, since they do see each other everyday and he doesn't have time for anyone else anymore. That's sad. If you don't have a life outside of your relationship, that's not true love. True love is a person who supports you having friends, and supports and trusts you going out rather than whining that they want you to spend the time with them instead, making you cancel on your friends and then stop asking your friends to hang out.

Also, apparently his girlfriend put up a tantrum about him moving down to Dartmouth to take the college course that he had got accepted into and I remember he was really excited about taking it. She didn't want him to move an hour away, oh no, and especially since I was still down there at the time and we were still friends, she probably didn't want me hanging out with him sometimes. But anyway he ended up turning that down and not going, and he was going to take a business course here in Truro since that's what she took (lame, like he's not a business type person, wtf he gonna do with that?) but I don't know if he ever ended up taking it or not. If she really loved him, she would support his future and talk about it with him rather than demanding he not go because that would mean they couldn't see each other everyday.

There's also a quote that says, "true love is when someone accepts your past, encourages your present and supports your future". James does all of that with me, and I do all of that with him. Apparently my former best friend's girlfriend does not encourage his present or support his future. She prevents him from hanging out with his friends and going to college, and because of that she's brainwashed him. He now listens to her every move, rather than thinking for himself. He could have stood up for himself and been like "Listen, I'm going to college, I've been wanting to do this course for forever, its only an hour away and you have a car and I can take buses, we'll talk about it but I'm still going. We can work around our relationship and if you can't accept it then I'm sorry but it's my future". But I'm sure the moment she protested him going, he was like "oh, I guess that would mean I can't see you as often, so I shouldn't go".

If someone is controlling your life, don't let them. It's not good to be with someone who says "no I don't want you to hang out with that person, come spend the night with me instead" or "no you can't go ___ because I want you here with me". Or, even if you have to ask your partner permission to do something, that's not good either. You should be able to say "hey I'm going to my friend's place, be back in a few hours" rather than "hey can I go to my friend's place?"

True love is having someone who supports everything you do, and yet points out when you're wrong or when you hurt them, but forgives you if you apologize and fix yourself to not do that again. It's having someone who encourages you, and doesn't get frustrated or threaten to leave when you're in a bad mood. Someone who'll talk to you, listen to you and what you want, respect you but not be brainwashed by you in that they'll sacrifice things in their own life so that their attention is only focused on you.

Say for example, you don't want them flirting with other people which is acceptable since I consider flirting to be cheating. I mean, saying things like "hey sexy" or "nice ass" or "damn hot cleavage", making sexual comments like that towards another person, or even hitting on them and asking them for their phone number are all crossing the line. When I have a boyfriend I'm closed off to other guys, because I wouldn't want my boyfriend flirting with other girls so I respect him and don't flirt with other guys. Sure, I'm friends with other guys, but I don't engage in flirtatiousness with them.

One of my ex's flirts with other girls, and his wife doesn't care, but that's her and I'm different. I did care when I was with him and he flirted or ogled other girls, and yet he refused to respect that I didn't want him to do it, instead he expected me to accept him as he was when he refused to accept what I didn't like him doing. So that there, is proof that you need someone who accepts you for who you are rather than trying to change you. I couldn't change him. He just needed someone who, like his wife, didn't care that he's practically cheated on her.

Anyway, I guess I'm just trying to say that people who grope each other and make out with each other in public need to get a room, lol. There was a story that two lesbians (a couple) were having sex in the women's washroom in McDonald's, so they got kicked out and then a crowd outside started yelling and throwing stuff at them. Sure, it's not cool that the crowd did that, but at the same time, WHY THE FUCK WERE YOU FUCKING IN A MCDONALDS WASHROOM??? Ugh. I don't get some people. Then they probably were trying to be the victims since they got stuff thrown at them. Um, yeah, why did you do that in the first place? Idiots.

I just don't think that you're in a loving relationship if one is controlling the other, or even if one isn't putting forward the effort they should be. If it's starting to feel one sided on your part, then that's a sign that things are going downhill. If you're feeling like you're being brainwashed and don't have a life outside of your relationship anymore, that's not a good thing either. But of course, usually brainwashed people don't notice until they're too far into it, or until something goes majorly wrong and then they kinda have a light bulb go off and realize this isn't as perfect as it seems. Obviously that hasn't happened to my former best friend yet, but something could happen down the road between him and his girlfriend, and he'll be like damn...why won't my friends hang out with me anymore? and realize what a bitch she was. At least, I hope. Unless of course they end up getting married. Even if I get invited to the wedding I probably won't go. But I doubt I'll get invited at all. Not that it would hurt me to see them together. Just that I'm still disgusted with him and how he's acting towards me and his other friends. Even when he supposedly wanted to build up our friendship again but he doesn't seem to be bothering with that as much anymore.

So, that's all for now I guess. To sum it up:

- don't let your partner control your life
- don't make out/feel each other up in public (nasty and inappropriate)
- if they're not making the effort anymore, chances are it's going downhill
- if you can't accept someone for who they are fully, maybe you shouldn't be with them since they won't change for you
- if someone can't accept you, then that's not good either
- be accepting of their past, encourage their present and support their future, the key elements to a successful relationship
- being infatuated, in lust, and in love are three different things
- if someone expects you to change something for them, but they won't change what's upsetting you out of respect for you, they'll never change

There you have it. I'm out for now.

Happy to Help Anyone + Previous Relationship Experience

I just wanted to say, that if my blog has helped anyone out there, I am very happy that it has and that was the whole point of it. I wanted people to know that they're not alone in an LDR, and to be honest I never thought I'd be in one myself, it just sort of...happened. I'm sure a lot of LDRs come as a surprise, not many people plan to fall in love with someone from a different country. But when it happens, we have to make the best of it no matter what people say.

A lot of times, people can be judgemental if you say you're in a relationship with someone you haven't met in person. They say "omg that's so weird, why would you date someone that far away, can't you find someone in your own town" etc. Well, I have dated guys here like I've said before. They all turned out to not be the one.

But I have told most of my co-workers about James, and they think it's cool that he's coming all this way to meet me. And they'll want to meet him too, so I'm bringing him to my store a couple of times to see who he can meet, meaning who's working at the time, etc. So far, most people in my life haven't been too judgemental about me and James, besides my family were at first but now they're used to me talking about him so much. James' father doesn't know about me yet, that's why he can't talk using his voice while on skype but he'll be able to once he moves. His mom and best friend know about me though, and they think it's cool too but of course his mom was shocked at first.

I also wanted people to know that I'm here to talk if they ever need to. I'm not an LDR expert, obviously since this is my first one and we haven't met in person yet, but I'd like to think I am knowledgeable on relationships in general, after being hurt and betrayed so much. So I could either offer you advice, or if you just wanted to rant about something and need reassurance. Then again, a lot of people get upset when I tell them things they don't want to hear.

I noticed there are a few girls on Twitter having relationship problems, as in their LDR man doesn't seem to be giving their relationship his effort anymore. Then I see how obsessed those girls are over that guy, and it makes me sad because I'm like why would you be with someone who doesn't seem to care about this as much as you do? If you want an LDR to work, you each have to put in 100%. But if your guy is slacking off and only giving you like 50% while you're still giving 110%, that's not a good sign.

Like I said, I've been with guys where, they would be ok with the "distance" at first and then after a couple of months start complaining about it. One of my ex's whom I dated for a year, lived an hour away from me. For the first 4 months that we were friends before actually getting together, I noticed that I was doing a lot of the driving but I didn't say anything because I didn't think much of it since we were just friends. He came to my town a couple of times, but was reluctant to make the extra 20 min drive outside of my town to come to my place. He finally did, and through our one year relationship, he came out here about 4 times or so that I can think of.

The rest of the time, I was always driving over there. Most of the time when I asked him to come to my place, he would be like "oh you can't get the car?" or "I've been driving 40 mins to work everyday so I don't want to wear my car down and I just want to relax on the weekends (his days off)" or "gas money". It was pathetic. Then, even after I moved to Dartmouth which was next to where he worked (he worked in Halifax), he'd only come and see me on weekdays because he was already there anyway, and it took him about 20 mins to drive over here. Even then, he'd only stay until about 8 pm, and barely wanted to do anything. He came over a couple of times on weekends, but then he complained about it saying it's too far to drive on weekends again. Ugh. Plus he wanted to "rest", as I said before. And I end up taking buses to go to there on weekends sometimes. So I still went over there more than he came here.

Of course he ended up breaking up with me, even though I thought he was "the one" since he was a nice guy who treated me good. How stupid I was. Just because someone is pretty decent to you sometimes, but if they never make the effort to see you then what's the point in staying in love with them? I'll admit it took me a while to get over him though.

The guy I dated before him for about 8 months, was kinda the same thing. We lived almost 2 hours apart. I understand it's a bit of a drive, and he had to drive a bit of a distance into work everyday as well. He was a bit more willing and active though, and he did come over to my place more often, however after a while he did start complaining too. I remember New Year's with him. I had high hopes that I could you know, have fun and such. Anyway I was at his place, as my mom had driven me there so that he could drive me back and hang out with me on New Year's. He'd gotten me my camera (Canon Rebel) for Christmas and I was excited to go to Peggy's Cove to try it out, since he lived a half hour away from there and it was on the way to my place anyway.

It was New Year's Eve Day, and we were hanging around at his place, he'd been working on his car or boat or something, and then he came in and I was like "I wanna go to Peggy's Cove to try my camera" and he was just like "I'm going to have a nap" in kind of a rude way. I just glared at him, pissed and was like whatever. So of course I was disappointed, and I ended up going out to the beach by his place for a while to take pictures. A couple of hours later I was in his room (he napped on the couch) looking at my pictures. He came up and kind of got cuddly with me, I think he probably felt bad, and was like "so we can go now if you still want to" and I was still kind of annoyed but I was like ok.

So we got ready to leave, and he was planning on staying the night at my place obviously. We went to Peggy's Cove, and it was pretty cold, and I could tell he wasn't enjoying himself since he was kind of grumpy and I knew he had a slight cold but he was being a baby about it. We were there for a couple of hours and I took some photos, then we had dinner at the restaurant there before heading back to my place. To be honest I can't remember what we did once we reached my place, I think we went bowling but he was still a jerk there since he "wasn't feeling good". Of course he acted like he was enjoying himself but when I look back on it I knew he wasn't.

Anyway, I was getting frustrated with his attitude, but then New Year's was coming around so I hoped to get a kiss at midnight as most couples do. We stayed in to watch the fireworks, and we were the only ones downstairs laying on the couch. He was all "omg I'm sick and tired blah" and I was just thinking dude it's fucking New Year's, stop being a baby and have fun with your girlfriend rather than making me feel like you were forced to come here. Anyway, midnight comes around, the fireworks go off, I expect him to kiss me and he doesn't. I was like um wtf? So you're too "sick" to kiss your girlfriend now? I ended up kissing him a couple minutes after midnight once I realized he wasn't going to, and again it felt forced on his part. And guess what? The next day he only stayed for a few hours before leaving. I was like thanks for the fun times, not.

Well, a few weeks later he broke up with me. I could tell he just wasn't enjoying himself anymore. It hurt and upset me yes, and I thought we could be friends, and we were for a few months. Then he started dating someone else and stopped answering my messages. The other guy, the one I dated for a year after this guy, I also talked to for a good few months after the break up, but then again he just stopped answering my messages one day and I got the hint and left them both alone although it did hurt that they could be such jerks when I just wanted to be their friend at least, and I wasn't mean or a jerk towards them so...yeah. Basically no reason for them to just ignore me one day.

This is yet another story of the guy not putting in 100% in our relationship. He's the 2nd guy I dated seriously. At first he was all nice and normal and whatnot, so of course making me fall for him as most relationships go. I did know he was something of a redneck since he lived in Debert which is only about 25 mins from me. At first things were great again, we hung out, went camping and did stuff together. Of course I think about a month after we started dating, he went to a party and at first did invite me to come with him. I'm not a social or party person so I ended up following him around since of course I was awkward with these people I barely knew. At every party I went to with him, drama happened whether he was involved or not.

So one time, (this isn't the worst but it's part of the story), I was at his place spending time with him, and then one of his buddies called him saying that there was going to be a pit party of about 100 people or so. He asked me if I wanted to go and I told him no, I wanted to just spend time with him. At first he called his buddies back and told them no, but then he talked me into it, and I finally reluctantly agreed since I knew he wasn't going to give it up. So we ended up going there, and I knew what was going to happen - he was going to ignore me and tell me not to follow him around. Which happened right away. He parked his car not too far from the party, and the first thing he did was go over to his buddies and drink, leaving me alone with people I barely knew.

At one point I remember looking across the fire and seeing him sitting on a chair over there, laughing it up with his "girl buddies" and I think that set me off. I was thinking so you don't want me, your girlfriend following you around but it's ok if your girl buddies surround you? I was eating some chips or something, and I ended up stalking back to his car, pissed off. He didn't even notice I was gone until like 10 minutes later, and then he came storming back to his car extremely pissed. He was all "why the fuck would you embarrass me like that, blah blah blah" basically making me feel bad and cry, so we left the party and went to the tent that we had set up. Anyway, after that disaster, he stopped inviting me to parties and would either lie to me about going or ditch me to go to them.

A month into our relationship he moved to the city for work, which I didn't care about obviously since distance doesn't bother me. His visits of course ended up getting few and far between. I mean, he didn't seem to mind driving to see me. However, when it came to choosing me or parties, he chose parties. One night I was excited to see him since I hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks. We had plans for him to come to my place after a "family dinner" as he called it. So when he was close to home, he calls me and says "I don't know if I'll be able to make it tonight, my buddies might want me to work for them" and of course I was really disappointed and upset. But I had a sneaking suspicion that he wasn't ditching me for work.

Of course I was right. He called me upon getting in his driveway, confirming that he was going to "work" and couldn't see me anymore. That hurt me a lot, but I asked him if he was really working or going to a party and he said it's work. Then a couple of hours later, he calls me again, and I hear a bunch of loudmouths in the background. I'm like -_- fucking asshole, seriously? He's like "yeahh..I'm at a party" as if it's not a big fucking deal that he hurt me. I mean, he can see his "buddies" whenever since he lives next door to them when he comes home.

Oh well, as you can tell I've had bad experiences with previous "distance" relationships. James is different from those guys though. I can just tell by his personality. Now that I've had experience with being hurt from distance relationships, I can tell when the guy is being less than sincere or if he really isn't into it. I'm pretty sure that James is 100% into this or, as he said, he wouldn't have let it get this far and neither would I. And when we talk about future visits, he doesn't hesitate or hum and haw over it. He's like "when I come next time I'll have a car" and such. And he's not freaking out that he has to see me two times before I can go see him. He's happy to come here again. Only next time will be easier, since like I said, he'll have a car and his passport already.

I know my ex's who hurt me like that, wouldn't even go for a relationship like this since they're not strong enough or patient. Being in an LDR like this requires extreme trust and patience. I mean, in what normal relationship could they wait 213 days to see each other? Not many.

I think I'm finally running out of steam for this blog. James is online now, so I'm going to talk to him before he leaves to go out and I leave to go to work. This was a long entry but now you know some of my experience with previous "distance" relationships, as well as guys who don't put in their effort when I'm the one doing everything I can to see them.

I could probably write a memoir lol.

Counting Down the Days

Usually, with most LDRs that I've heard of, the longest wait to see them was the very first one. After the first meeting, they were able to see each other more often. I know that'll happen here. After waiting this seven months to meet my boyfriend, I'll have to wait three months for when he comes again in August, then a month and a half before I go there in September. But we won't (hopefully) ever have to go seven months without seeing each other again.

One thing you should do, is while you're together, plan the next visit. Don't leave not having any idea of when you'll see them again, that's just depressing. At least when he leaves I can think "hey the next wait is only three months, that'll go by fast". Even if I have to go most of the summer without him, it'll give him time to get a job in Massachusetts and save up for a car for his August trip to make our visits easier.

But my sister also dated someone LDR, from here to Ontario. However, she'd already been with him in college for about half a year before they graduated and she had to come back here. He initially came back with us and stayed for a month. But he was kind of self-centred, and sometimes they'd plan visits but then he wouldn't be sure cause something in his life would happen. My sister wanted him to move here, and there were so many times he was going to, but then again something happened. He'd even set up an apartment, and then again it didn't work out. My sister finally got fed up and they broke up after about a year and a half.

Also, planning your next visit does give you something to look forward to, rather than being so depressed when they leave, like I said. I know I'll be sad when he leaves, but I'm sure after a few days I'll get used to being without him again and look forward to when he comes again in August.

It also hurts when they don't put in as much effort as you are, and you're the one doing all the planning while they just kinda go along with whatever you say, or even disagree. I know, like I said I've dated guys who lived an hour - two hours away and they complained about it, so I ended up going there most of the time to see them and that's no fun. I mean you want them to come and spend time with you and your family, not you having to go down there all the time. Plus there should be equal effort on both of your parts. It's not fair if one puts in more effort and the other doesn't even try.

Another thing I've dealt with, is guys who never thought of me to surprise me with something cute. They'd only get me gifts on holidays, and sure the gifts were nice, but nothing cute or romantic. From every boyfriend I had, The only thing I asked for was flowers, but I still never got them. Like, why? Isn't that what most guys get their girlfriends on most occasions, or even randomly? For some reason, mine didn't. And James tells me he'll get me flowers, so I will see. Plus, the guys never saw something and thought "I bet Alicia will like that" and got it for me just to surprise me. Nope. I was always doing things like that for them, and it felt like they didn't care. It was a bit disheartening. One guy got me a ring once, but it was a cheap one that turned my finger green, besides I was there when he got it so it wasn't a surprise, and I have no idea what happened to it. I don't expect a guy to spend hundreds on a ring, I mean the one I wear daily is silver so it doesn't turn my finger green, and it was only like 15 bucks. So long as it's real metal I don't care what they spend on it.

I've already got a few gifts for James, and I'll be accumulating more once I get paid again before he comes since there are a few things I need to do to prepare. I want to give him a fireworks show as a surprise for our anniversary, he has no idea that I'm even thinking about getting fireworks, so I will keep it a surprise until then. He knows what our anniversary date will be though. We'll just go out to dinner at a restaurant I picked out (he knows which one it is) and then go play pool or something. Maybe walk around town for a bit before coming home. Then once it's dark, I'll be like "hey want to go for a walk?" and then have someone light the fireworks as we're walking down the trail. It would surprise him for sure :P

There's 38 days until we meet. Altogether, that'll be 212 days that we have waited to see each other. Most relationships couldn't do that. I know that my former best friend would die if he had to wait that long to see his girlfriend, since he's so dependent on her that he's forgotten he has other friends. Or, had other friends. Not sure how many people are still true friends to him. I know a couple besides me who kind of faded away after he began ignoring us for her. But anyway, he can't even spend a day without her without complaining, so it's kind of pathetic. Couples who have to be attached to each other all the time bother me. Now when James comes here, I'll probably be attached to him, but we have a reason to be. The couples who can see each other whenever they want and don't bother with their friends anymore annoy me too.

You really do need a life outside of your relationship. Especially since you never know when the relationship could end, and then you'll be left alone because you'll have ignored all your friends and your friends won't want anything to do with you anymore. I don't have much of a social life per se, but I would if my friends would actually hang out with me lol. James has hung out with his best friend a couple of times since we've been together. Actually, going to work is the most social I have been in like forever lol. Otherwise, my friends just don't ask me to hang out or they're always "busy" when I ask them to hang out.

Mine and James' 6 month anniversary is in 10 days and after that it'll be 28 days until we see each other. That's crazy. I feel like I repeat myself sometimes but I can't help it, I'm too excited to see him. Like I said, in a couple of weeks I'll start preparing what I have to prepare for his visit. I have the feeling that April will go by fast, since March went by really fast.

James works a night shift again tonight so I won't get to talk to him, but I was talking to him earlier before he left. It still sucks that we won't get to see each other on skype :( and I hope that he can come on in the morning before I leave for work at 3 - 9 tomorrow. But at least we'll still get to talk tomorrow night and go on skype again and whatnot. Sometimes our schedules suck, but he's putting in his two weeks notice next week so that he can move on the week before Easter.

Well I think that's all for now. Stay strong, we'll get through it.

The Rest of My Life

So I got James looking at engagement rings last night XD he's already told me he knows where he's going to propose and it's somewhere in New York...so I have no idea when or if it will happen but I won't complain about being proposed to in New York lol. I can tell he's probably thought about it for a long time, even before he met me, when he was still single. But then he decided that he was just going to be alone forever, since no girls were showing interest in him until I came along. He said I'm the only girl who wanted to be with him.

I know it's too soon to say this since we're only almost 6 months in and we haven't met in person yet but I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. There's no one here I'm interested in, and there's definitely no temptations here. There won't be in the future either. I'd rather be with James than be with someone closer who ends up turning into a douche at the end. So far, James has been more sincere than any of my boyfriends here so that's why I trust him more than I trusted them. He also makes me laugh and I just love his smile and his cute face, and can't wait to finally hold him in person. His smile lights up the room and his laugh makes me happy.

Sure, everyone says that the first year of the relationship. We're almost 6 months in and we have had fights already but 98% of the time we get along super well. The fights were more like arguments or disagreements, there was only a couple where I actually hurt him and I apologized and he forgave me so we got over it fairly quickly. There was only one where he hurt me, but he apologized for being an asshole which was nice, because no other guys apologized during fights. Even being in an LDR we can deal with fights and hurting each other maturely and quickly rather than just pouting for hours until one or the other finally gives in.

I think because we're both introverts, that we're able to deal with these situations. We understand each other's personality and know that we don't mean to hurt the other, just sometimes we have a bad day and lash out or things from our past come up to haunt us so that's what causes me to be suspicious. But I'm never truly suspicious, it's just me thinking that because of what's happened in my past. I trust that he's not cheating on me, even online. He trusts me too, even despite things that have happened to him with other girls turning on him.

I can't believe our 6 month anniversary is in 13 days, and after that it'll be 29 days until we meet. I just want him here now, I want to kiss him, hug him, spend time with him, do crazy and romantic things together, etc. I don't know how military wives can do it - spending a year or more without their husbands. Even some LDRs wait a year or more before meeting. One of my college friends has been in an LDR for 4 years and hasn't met him in person yet, since he's overseas. I'm deprived from just waiting seven months, and I haven't even met mine in person yet. At least after this we won't ever have to wait 7 months in between visits again.

Anyway, I think that's all I wanted to say for now. Kind of a pointless blog, but meh. 41 days to go <3

Being an Introvert

So today I woke up with a headache, and it's my day off...great. And of course it would be a nice day outside and now I can't fully enjoy it. It feels like it's going to be a full on migraine too. James works 10 to 6 his time so that's not so bad, at least he'll get home at a decent time rather than like 11:30 my time. The late nights, and the nights we can't talk to each other suck especially since we don't have texting and he can't get apps on his phone since it's an old phone. But when he moves he'll get a new phone and get the BBM app since it's free and I have a blackberry so that would be easy communication for us. We'll need it, especially when he goes on his trip to see me.

Also, I haven't hung out with a friend in like three months since before Christmas...how sad is that lol. Even James has hung out with his best friend at least once since then. They don't see each other too often either since his best friend apparently works a lot (like mine does) and so it's hard for them to get the same days off I guess. But I know that some of my friends who don't work, and aren't busy, seem to suddenly be busy whenever I ask them to hang out. And I feel like I jump up at any time they ask me to hang out since I'm never too busy to see them, and I don't like that. Yet, I'll see them posting things like "hanging out with this person today" even a couple of days after they turned me down to hang out. It doesn't make sense.

It also pisses me off when they complain to me about a person, and I know that person doesn't treat them good, or didn't in the past, then suddenly they write things like "omg this person is the best ever they did this one good thing for me even though I did a lot more good things for them and they were never grateful". I feel like my friends want to be around people who treat them worse than I ever did, and I see it happening everywhere, not just with one person.

I'm not a bad person, I think. I was never mean to these people. If they did something that was out of their way for me I was grateful. I still remember what one said to me during one of our fights back in the day (it was after she got a boyfriend and it changed her). I was upset because whenever I asked her to hang out she was always busy, yet she could find all this time to even stay at her bfs house for a week at a time. She told me "well no offence Alicia, you are kind of boring, you never talk and I'm always talking when you're with me". She was never, ever mean to me before that. So that there is proof that when girls get with a guy, especially their first boyfriend as he was to her, it changes them. I also have other proof but anyone else who I confronted about it would deny it.

Yeah, that hurt me. She did apologize after and so did I but it still stuck with me as most of those things from my past do. I remember all the bad things that happened to me, and that in itself is a bad thing. I know I'm an introvert, and I don't talk much around certain people. Sometimes you really have to engage with me or I won't talk at all. Other times, I can have fluent conversations with certain people and never stop talking to them like with James or my best friend. But being an introvert doesn't make me boring, does it?

Well, I guess it could, if you look at it from an extrovert's point of view. "That person never talks, why should I bother with them?" or "they don't like to hang out in groups and party/get drunk, they're boring". I do talk. I just need a certain person to bring it out. And besides, if I go quiet for like a few minutes, it's because I don't have anything to say and I don't want to make pointless small talk. But if you know how to interact with me, I can talk nonstop.

James is the same way. He's an introvert so he understands, which is nice. My best friend is an extrovert so he doesn't fully understand why I'm like that sometimes. But if I'm silent around James for a few minutes, he won't pressure me to talk. He'll be silent too. Me and him are both quiet, however he has more confidence in that he's not afraid to point out stupidity or people's mistakes, especially at work. But he doesn't like to make pointless small talk so most of the time at work he stays quiet while his other co-workers are talking amongst themselves, unless he has to talk of course, or if he's spoken to. He said at break time, he goes and hides by his locker by himself since he doesn't want to be around those idiots any more than he has to. But I think that once me and him are together, conversation will flow freely between us, and I won't feel like he's one of those people who I feel like I have to constantly talk to or they'll get bored.

I just don't like being around people who I feel like I have to constantly talk to, as in non stop. There's a woman at work who is probably in her 30s or 40s and she's always, always talking, even when I'm trying to ring someone in and concentrate on that customer so I end up ignoring my co-worker for a minute, not meaning to. But she just goes on talking even if I don't respond. Being around people like that exhausts me. Especially since she talks so fast that sometimes it's hard for me to say anything. She'll move from one subject to another without waiting for an input.

Like yesterday, there were several points where I had lineups, and one of them included a large group of people who were apparently together, but they were all constantly talking, the store was loud for several long minutes until I finally rang them all in. Even though I wasn't involved in their conversations, I still felt exhausted from all that noise, so when they finally left I was like ahhh quiet.

James also said he's had similar things happen to him. He'll come across someone he knew, the person will be like "hey we should hang out and catch up" then later on James texts them and they never respond. He's had people he thought were his friends just stop talking to him for no reason. Just one day decided to ignore his texts. I've had people do that to me too. I don't now what goes through someone's head when, you message them and they just decide not to talk to you anymore. I mean, I ignore one of my ex's when he messages me but he's an asshole so I do have a reason. I only ignore people that treated me badly. And those people that ignored me, I didn't treat them badly. At least I don't think so. I guess they just didn't wanna be my friend anymore :/

Well, I still have the migraine, even though I took 2 muscle relaxant pills. I was feeling dizzy for a while but the dizziness seems to have subsided. I guess I should maybe get up and walk around, see if that would help me feel better. Or it'll make it worse, who knows.

Being Someone's First

So when James comes here I'll be the first girl he's ever kissed or held hands with, or even cuddled with. He's 26 years old, yet he's never had a girlfriend. To be honest, I was kind of shocked when he first told me this, but as I got to know him and his stories I began to understand why. Not saying there's anything bad on his part that would make me not want to date him. Just the situations in his life has made me understand him more.

He's definitely not a bad guy at all, and for a while I did have a hard time believing that he's never had a girlfriend before me. He's definitely had crushes, and had girls who he thought liked him, only they ended up hurting him in the end. So it's not like he hasn't tried. It's not his fault that the girls in New York are shallow, stupid and go around hurting guys for the sake of it. Plus, even if he got to know one, not many girls there would share his interests. I understand that problem, as that happened to me. I had a couple of guys who had some things in common, but they truly didn't understand my real interests.

And, he says, according to the girls there, he's not "good looking" in their standards. To me, I think he's cute, so I am surprised that no other girls there have thought he was cute. He's definitely not bad looking. But he told me that the girls there would only date guys who are tall, buff, and assholes, or guys with "swag".

James has told me stories of girls who've led him on then hurt him. One example is that he went to this diner in his town, and this waitress started talking to him. Eventually they got to talking for an hour each time he was there. He started thinking that maybe she liked him. So on the day he finally decided he was going to ask her to hang out, he goes to the diner and she tells him that she doesn't want to talk to him anymore and he makes her uncomfortable. So since then he hasn't been back to that diner. There are a few other stories he's told me but I don't want to write too much personal things on here. Another story being the night of his high school prom that still haunts him to this day.

I'm just shocked at how stupid the girls are there, and how they didn't see a good guy when they talked to him. They didn't even take the chance to get to know him like I did. He said it means a lot to him that I got to know him and wanted to know him, and that I fell for him for who he is. In a way I'm glad though, I mean, if a girl had gotten attached to him there, he might not have made an account on DA or met me. And I know that's why I was single for so long...I was waiting for him.

Now I am very attached to him. I know that when he comes, we'll be attached at the hip. I probably won't be able to stop touching him or holding hands with him, because it'll be so surreal that he is actually here. He tells me he's nervous because again, he's never kissed a girl or held hands before. I'm happy to be his first kiss, and his first (and hopefully last) girlfriend <3 I've never been anyone's first before. And it's been close to 6 months since I've kissed or held hands with anyone as well. I mean, going from being active "that way" to nothing is difficult, at least he's used to it. I just try not to think about it too much, but I do really miss holding hands, cuddling, kissing, etc and I can't wait to do it with him.

He told me that before he met me, he was leaning towards looking for girls in another country, and probably thinking he would be in an LDR if any girl from a different country showed interest in him. And he was thinking he'd likely meet a girl in Canada. Well, it looks like that happened for him. On my part, I wasn't looking for an LDR, or even a relationship. I didn't expect to be so attached to someone from a different country. He wasn't looking either but he'd thought about dating someone from a different country. He even told me that he thought that when I saw a photo of him, it would be over and I would stop talking to him. But I didn't, and I'm glad I didn't <3

He's the best person I know, and I wouldn't change a thing about the past 5.5 months of being with him. Being with him hasn't prevented me from meeting anyone here, since I didn't do anything anyway and I didn't want to look online again for local guys as is where I met most of my ex's. If it wasn't for James, I'd still be single and lonely. The only thing I'd change is, of course, if we could live closer and/or have seen each other by now. And our patience is paying off because now, it's only 1.5 months until we meet and he's successfully applied for his passport, meaning they took his photo and the application so now it's the waiting game. He said it should be here in a few weeks since he paid for the expedited one.

I really can't wait to meet him, and working does help the days go by even faster. But at the same time, the closer it gets, the longer it feels like. I'll prove anyone who doubted us wrong, and I know a lot of people probably still doubt us and are surprised that we are still in a relationship. I bet most people who found out about us were like "well they won't last a couple of months before she finds out he's a fake" well here we are, 5.5 months later and no sign of slowing down and he's obviously not a fake.

Our first meeting will be the best day of my life, or at least come as a tie for when I've seen Simple Plan in concert :P

Keeping Arguments To Yourself

I've seen it, and I'm sure you've seen it too. People posting their marriage/relationship problems online and getting other people involved.

That's really not a mature way to do things. If you're pissed at someone, not just in a relationship but say a friendship as well, keep it off social media. Resolve it between the two of you rather than humiliating yourself, each other and your partner/friend online.

Online drama is no fun, I've been involved in it with friends as well as ex's. Whether it be their fault or your fault, or both, I mean it does take two to fight. It doesn't matter who started it, who's fault it is. If you notice someone saying shit about you on social media, don't take to twitter to go forward and insult the person. It makes you seem catty and you don't want to make yourself look bad as they are making themselves look bad. Just send them an email or private message asking what's going on and why they're upset with you, rather than blowing it up all over twitter or facebook. I'm speaking from learning from my own experiences.

I've seen it too often on facebook: the girlfriend/wife is mad at the boyfriend/husband and posts what he did so that his family and friends can see. That's just mean and catty to try and get people on your side. If you're married and doing this, you shouldn't be married if you can't solve your little fights on your own without getting people involved. James and I have had fights, and I'll post things like "I wish he wasn't late" or "I'm getting annoyed" but I don't go into detail about what we're fighting about. I don't go into a big speal about why I'm disappointed or upset with him and then continue to update people every 5 seconds about what's happening.

I've also even seen the boyfriend commenting about his drama with his girlfriend, so it's not just girls who do it, but the majority of girls do. Guys usually don't like to call attention to themselves with useless drama (although I have, again, seen guys with the exception to that rule) but sometimes for some reason people in general feel the need to post their personal drama on social media.

If something really big is happening and you need someone to talk to, don't proceed to make a status about it so that you have a bunch of people messaging you who you don't want to talk to. Just message a close friend or someone you know would give you good advice. Simple as that. Don't post sob statuses on facebook like "omg my bf is pissing me off I need some bffs right now".

Say if you're having a fight with your boyfriend about the fact that he, I don't know, didn't clean the dishes and was being a lazy jackass. The girl might post something like "Omg I'm tired of this, my bf ever does any chores and just sits around staring at his computer". I've dated guys who were lazy. I never complained about them on facebook. For one thing, I had his family and a couple of his friends on facebook as well, so I wouldn't want to embarrass him in front of his family and friends, even if they already knew he was lazy. It's very disrespectful to post your major problems with your significant other for the world to see.

The only times I get pissed off/annoyed with James are when he's later than I thought he'd be. But that's just a small problem that usually gets resolved with a bit of talking and explaining. And most people's problems would too, if they didn't make it worse by posting it everywhere.

I just get annoyed whenever I see another person whining about their relationship or their partner. Calm the fuck down, go talk to them, not the world. James already knows I get annoyed when he's late, but again he calms me down when he explains why. Except for last night he did get a bit upset and lashed out at me but I didn't go on twitter or facebook during the fight and say "omg he's an asshole he said this to me". He did apologize and so did I, and there, fight over.

Getting more people involved only causes things to spiral out of control and makes it worse for both of you. People will have different opinions on what you should do. Some will side with you, some will side with him. Like I said, it's best to just not announce to the world whenever your partner does something you don't like, or whenever you two get into a tiff. I don't get why people do that, to be honest. I've seen family drama on facebook as well, one day the girl was cursing her sister out for something stupid she supposedly did and a bunch of people got behind the girl without seeing her sister's side of the story and I was like omg is this drama worth it? Do you really need these people behind you to boost your ego? If I were her sister I would have unfriended her because of how immaturely she went about it. Whenever me and my sister fight I might say something on Twitter but that's different, on Twitter I only have a few of my close friends but it's mostly people I don't know. On facebook it's much more personal because again you have family, good friends, relatives, etc, so a lot more people would know your business. Well, at least for me. I chose to keep my Twitter relatively out of the spotlight save for, like I said, the few friends I have on there.

But, if you're upset with someone, just say it to their face or in a message, not broadcasting it for the world to see. Keep your problems to yourself, resolve them yourself, and if you need a friend to talk to for advice then private message someone. Wrong people can get involved in your drama, and just make it all that much worse.

Also, only 46 days until I see James <3

He's Not That Into You

Do not let a guy take advantage of your feelings for him, and make you look like an idiot while he goes on to obviously not care about you at all.

Just read a tumblr post about a girl who was in an LDR, and she finally realized it was only one-sided when he barely put in the effort to do anything for her, and when she went to spend 5 weeks with him, he didn't even acknowledge her as his girlfriend, just someone he was talking to. She realized when she stopped being "clingy", it came crashing down because he just didn't want anything to do with it or to put any effort on his part.

I've dated a guy who was like that. A couple of them actually. Basically, I was the only one putting in effort, as in going to see them, wanting to go out on proper dates rather than sitting at home all the time. They would only give me a half-hearted effort when I put the idea forward, but I could tell that if we actually did it, they weren't really enjoying themselves. It made me feel disheartened because they said that they wanted to do it, so why did they act like it was a thumbtack in their ass?

Guys say a lot of things to get with the girl, to impress her and reel her in at first. Especially if he thinks he wants to be in a relationship. Then later on, something happens as in it's something the girl did, or the relationship itself, and he suddenly decides "I don't want anything to do with this anymore but I don't want to be the jerk and dump her so I'll just act like I'm enjoying myself when really this sucks". Basically they don't want to make themselves look like the bad guy, they don't care about not hurting you at all.

Sure some guys feel bad about hurting a girl, like my last ex cried the last time I was at his place, because I was crying after he dumped me because I was scared I wouldn't see him again. He told me that we could be friends and I could come over whenever I wanted. I thought, well if he's crying over me, he must still care about me and I'm sure he did at the time. We hung out a couple of times after that, but it slowly faded out, until last year when he just stopped answering my messages one day and I haven't heard from him since. I said "happy birthday" on his facebook last month but that was about it. I even wrote him a heartfelt message in November pretty much saying "well I would still like us to talk and I think we'd be good friends" but can you guess? That went ignored too. What a jerk. I know he only told me we could be friends so that perhaps he could get laid later on if he was running dry, and he knew I'd jump at the chance. He did ask me last year and I told him no, and after that he wasn't so friendly with me. That's pretty much around when he stopped answering my messages, that was in the summer.

So after we broke up, and I was healing, I realized how much effort I'd put into our "relationship" and how much of nothing he did. He wasn't even long distance, well according to him we were. It was an hour drive, and yes, he complained about it. Why? Because, his reason, he drives 40 minutes to and from the city everyday to work. Ok, so you knew that I lived in a different town than you from the start, why would you let a relationship go on this long if you knew you weren't going to put in any effort? You know what gets me? Is at the beginning, he said he didn't mind the "distance" yet he only came over to my place about 4 times in our whole one year relationship. The rest of the time, I was going there every weekend. And of course, stupid me, I didn't mind. I didn't understand though why he wouldn't come to my place without an argument.

And he was one of those lazy jerks who played video games too much, so whenever I wanted to go out he'd either say no and we (or he) would play video games instead, or it would take a lot of persuading on my part and when we finally did go I could tell he wasn't enjoying himself. I think he did a lot of lying in that relationship. Maybe not outright lying but covering up I guess. Just faking that he was having a good time going out with me when he really would rather be home playing video games, or rather talk to me online than see me in person. Sometimes when I was over, he would even make me sit on his bed, play on my laptop while he played his video games for 3 hours at night. It pissed me off because by the time he was done it was too late to really have sex or do anything like cuddle so we'd just get into bed and go to sleep. Plus he lived with his parents (which btw isn't a bad thing at our age, it's a matter of if you're financially ready to move out or not) and night time was the only time we could do it, but he ate up most of that playing his stupid games.

Some girls delude themselves into thinking they're in love, and I'll admit I did that too. Even if they notice their guy is barely doing anything special for them without complaining, or treating them less than something or someone, they still think maybe it'll change over time, or if they just keep unknowingly forcing the guy to do something they don't want to do, it'll make them realize they're having fun and whatever. I don't know, I guess I just thought that I had a lot in common with him and so it was hard to let go of that, even when I started to realize he wasn't putting in the effort. I clung on because I thought maybe we could just compromise, but compromising was never in his vocabulary.

So, basically in an LDR, you need a guy who is willing to compromise, one who's willing to make the effort and spend the time and money to see you, and of course one who will be loyal and honest. Those are hard qualities to find in a guy I'll admit, and I was really lucky that this guy I have now (James) stumbled across me on DA and we've been inseparable ever since. If you notice that whenever you try to meet up, it's always you who's going to meet him, then that's bad. If you have to ask him to come and meet you, that's bad too. If you're posting all these things about him on social media and he's not posting anything, not even a photo of you two together, that's pretty bad too. If you only think he thinks of you as a girlfriend, but you don't know because he never asked you, then don't start deluding yourself because you'll only fall for him while he just keeps falling away from you. It's like dangling a string in front of a cat, then pulling it away, but putting it back in front of the cat because you know the cat will go after it again. Basically, you're the cat and he's the string.

I guess that's all I have to say for now. So those are my thoughts on one-sided relationships, and you should watch out for them because you don't want to put your all into someone who just isn't that into you, even if he acts like he is.

LDR Problems

It really sucks when I just need a hug from James and I can't have it :(

I'm not feeling well, my head hurts, I'm tired, and I just want to cuddle up to him and feel his arms around me. But I can't. It's one of many LDR problems.

In 50 days I'll be able to though. He'll be with me for a full week, I'll have him here, and we'll be able to be happy and just forget the world.  If I cry, he'll hold me. If I'm feeling sick, he'll make me feel better. If I'm feeling just blah, he'll make me smile and laugh.

Dear girls: if your guy treats you as anything less than the #1 person in his life, he's not worth it. Really. Any guy I dated before treated me as 2nd best to either something (partying, their money and car, video games) or someone (an ex they couldn't get over, another girl, their bros, etc). I know what it's like, and it really hurts. So don't settle just because you think you're in love. Sure, it hurts to think about leaving them. I understand. Even if they haven't treated you the best or if they've made you feel like you're less than them. But at least realize that he probably won't ever change that.

Whenever I'm feeling insecure and think that James should find someone in his country, he says "no stay with me" or "no you're mine, I don't want anyone else <3". It really makes me feel that he wants this to work as much as I do, he hasn't given up yet.

Hopefully tomorrow he can go get his passport photo taken while I'm at work, and then Thursday return to apply for his passport. I hope this week works out better, and that in a few weeks he'll have his passport in hand since he's paying extra to get it delivered faster <3 our meeting is really getting closer. I'm getting excited, and once this week goes by and he's done all the passport business, it'll be another step closer. It'll feel like it's really going to happen.

Now I'm feeling more confident that he'll come, even though he hasn't applied for his passport yet, but he's going to this week. I guess I just feel that things are falling into place, and that he is going to be a major part of my life. I think my faith is growing, when before I was really paranoid that he wouldn't come. I still worry, but I think the bigger part of me now is winning out, and having faith in him. So...in 50 days, he'll be here, he'll be real, he'll be in my arms and nothing will stop us from then on <3

There's a Reason for Everything

So...ever wonder why shit happens in your life? Then later, after it's over or when something finally goes your way, you look back and are like... ahh, so that's why that happened, or so that's why it took so long (whatever "it" was).

That's what happened to me now. My reasons for what's happened in my life so far, even why it took me so long to get a job, are clicking into place.

To me, I do believe there is a God (I am Christian) and that there's a reason for everything. Mock me all you want, but I don't really care so you're wasting your time if you make fun of me. I'm not going to tell you to "believe or go to hell" because in my opinion everyone has a choice to what they want to believe, or if they don't want to that's fine too but be respectful of others. Anyway, with that disclaimer out of the way, here's what I've been thinking the past few days since I got hired and started working.

I was looking for a job forever since I graduated last June. I mean an actual job, not just one through an agency or temporary. I preferably wanted one in my field of study of course, which was printing. Yes, I went to college for that. But anyway, after I applied many times, got several interviews and failed, I got a "temporary" job at Transcon (a print company, though I worked in the mail room) through and agency. I worked there in Halifax full time for a few months, ended up having to move to Bedford and pay 450$ a month for rent. Which isn't bad, but I mean it's still a large chunk of your paycheck for someone starting out, plus everything else that comes with living on your own.

So like a couple of days after I paid the landlords for November rent, I was home in Truro for the weekend and on Sunday I got a call from my agency saying that I wasn't going to get anymore shifts at Transcon for that week. I asked my agent why and he said he didn't know, but that he would follow up with me the next day and I should call him. So I waited, and called. No answer. I called a couple more times, still nothing. He didn't even return the calls, even after I left a message and emailed him. I didn't hear from him again. To this day I have no idea why Transcon (for their reasons I mean) kicked me off like that, when there were people there worse than me.

Anyway, I guess that job was probably given to me by God to help me through the Christmas season, as well as to save up to get this laptop that I desperately needed. As for why I ended up not getting hired, I think it's because I wouldn't have liked it in the long run, and I did not look forward to getting up at 6 am every morning. In a way it's a good thing that they kicked me off before I got hired permanently, because I know I'd have ended up hating it probably after a few more months of working there and quitting. Besides, it was backbreaking work, I had to work around bitchy people and it was just not the kind of place I wanted to be in for 8 - 10 hours everyday.

Now with that being said, I ended up not having a job for another 4 months after that. And it sucked yeah, being broke really does suck, now I think I know why. I figure, if I had gotten hired by a printing company full time, they likely wouldn't have let me take the time off to see James, since sometimes companies don't allow you to take any amount of time off for three months or whatever, especially the big professional companies. And some won't even let you take a week straight off, until you've saved up your vacation time, and sometimes you have to be there for a year to get any amount of vacation time.

Also, God waited until now to give me this job because He knew I was going to like working at this company and He knew I needed money for when James comes. So He (I) was waiting until the Dollar Store was hiring, so that's why I didn't get it until now because they weren't hiring until now. And I didn't get hired at any other place, because this is the place I'm supposed to be, at least for now. I'm sure that the longer I work there, the more I can start to apply for print jobs, and see how mine and James' relationship goes from here, and after our first meeting.

And SO, in conclusion, this makes me even more confident that James will come because everything is starting to align. God gave me this job because He knows that I am going to meet James, that the dollar store would give me the time off I need to spend time with James. Oh yeah, it's all coming together.

I don't know if this entry made sense to anyone else, or if people are going to scoff and think that I'm crazy. I don't really care, because it makes perfect sense to me. It's my life. I'm not bothering anyone else by it.

I've also told some of my co-workers about James, and they said it's cool and they're excited to meet him. So that's cool, I guess I'll bring him into my work when he comes just to show him off :P

So I think that's all for now, I'm getting really excited and I hope that he is more successful in getting his passport next week.

Letting Go

Why is it so hard for me to just let go of the past, move on with my life and not let my past interfere with my relationship or my future?

I don't know. I wish I could answer that because I really need to let go. Most people who were involved in drama with me, have already let it go and forgotten about me, at least for the most part. Why do I have to be left with the pain that they caused me, while they get to move on and be happy? Am I really that terrible of a person that I deserve to think that I want to die? That I deserve to think that I don't deserve happiness?

I like to think that I'm a decent person, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I should listen to those people in my past who told me that I'm a miserable person. But why bother listening to them? They don't like me. They're in my past, I don't deal with them anymore. I shouldn't let what they said still eat at me. I should focus on the people who love and care about me, not the ones who brought me down before.

Some days I just feel like I don't deserve James' love, or his dedication to making this LDR work. I feel like he should find a girl in his country, one who lives closer so that he doesn't have to go through all this trouble. He insists that he wants to be with me, that I'm his soulmate and he loves me, that he will do anything he has to do to make this work.

I'm feeling emotional over our meeting, so many thoughts going through my head. On the one side, I'm excited because I finally get to meet him soon, and do all I wanted to do with him and be happy. On the other side, there's so many things that can still go wrong and that I won't get to meet him on May 7 :( and that's the part that is getting at me I think because I've had so many guys hurt me over "distance" and I'm worried the same thing will happen again.

I'll just be glad when he's here, and all this worry and anxiety is over. It'll be like a huge weight lifted off my chest the minute I first see him in person. I miss him so much and just want him to be with me :( Oh LDR probs...

53 days <3

Passport Situation

So I just wanted to write a quick post before I leave to update you on the passport situation.

James was unable to get his passport due to not having a proper photo, or so they said, so now he has to go back next week to try again after getting a proper photo taken and he said he's thinking on Thursday. He also said that he doesn't mind paying the extra 60$ to have it delivered to him faster. He told me that he needs to see me, I am his soulmate and to not see me would let me down, and fail himself as well as make my family lose trust in him.

So other than the passport, he doesn't really need anything else. Even if he can't get a car on time, he said he'll just take a train. So I really hope that the next time he goes to get his passport, nothing will go wrong. There's a lot of pressure on him for this trip, since he's coming here of course, and it's closing in fast. He has to impress me, my parents, not let me down or hurt me by not showing up, get everything together in time. To most guys it would seem like "wow this is too much I can't do this" but he seems to be pretty calm about it.

Anyway, I'm gonna go out and warm up my car since it's freezing today :( I'm getting really tired of these freezing temperatures and just want spring to come already. It's not really the snow itself, its' just the cold that gets annoying. Of course I don't like stifling heat either, but nice temperatures like 25C and breezy are perfect.

So, I might edit this post more once I get off work today at 5 pm.

A Step Closer

James is applying for his passport tomorrow :D

He's calling out of work in the morning, then heading in to the passport office as soon as it opens which is 9 am. I just hope they won't screw around with him and give him a hard time, since he said governments there tend to do that for whatever reason. I hope it goes smoothly and he'll come back and say he successfully applied for it. Then I'll feel a lot more relieved and relaxed. He did say though that if it comes to it, he'll pay the extra to have it delivered faster. I can't wait until he actually receives the passport and shows it to me on skype. <3

Also we have temporary running water again, meaning we've run a line outside the house until we're able to go in there and dig up the main line to replace it in the summer once the ground thaws. If we tried to dig it up now, it would be a lot more work and more money and make a mess of the lawn/driveway with the melting of snow and whatnot. But this works for now, hopefully it'll stay working until we can permanently fix it. So I was able to have a shower this morning before I went to work, thankfully lol.

It's just crazy that there's less than two months to go before I can meet James. Like, wow. Both me and him are feeling more nervous as it gets closer. He's thinking that if he doesn't get a car, he'll end up taking a train. That's fine with me, whatever works for him. And like I said, his new plans are to wait to move until mid-April, get settled, then come and see me, then look for a job once he gets back. And it does make sense, because if he moves, gets a new job, they might not let him take the week off right away. Mine let me because they explained that they realize new employees might have previous plans, plus they're easy going with days off. I just hope that after he applies for his passport tomorrow, things will start to fall into place. So he'd probably wait another month to move.

I just can't wait to meet him. I have a full plan of what we'll do once we go to Lunenburg for the night, so that should be a really good time :) I think the whole week with him will be amazing. Oh, and it feels even more official since I booked it off work. No working for me that week :D

I also have a lot of plans for what I want us to do while he's here, not just for Lunenburg, but I have a lot of other places I wanna take him. I hope I can do most of them in the time we have. I know that week with him is going to go by fast, since I got hired a week ago and that week just went by so fast. So I'll want to enjoy it and I'm sure we'll have the best time ever.

I think I'm gonna try to sleep now, so that's all for now.

No Running Water + Stress and Anxiety

You know what sucks? Not having running water.

Our main water pipe froze a few days ago and today we briefly had water when my dad and the plumbing guys did something to supposedly temporarily fix it until we can go in, dig up the old pipe and put in a new one. We can't do that until the summer obviously since the ground is frozen and to do it now would be a lot more work. So when we had that water for a couple hours, I thought it was back on for good and so did everyone else apparently. I figured I had time to go talk to James for a couple hours since he was online, then come have a shower when he went to have his shower.

Looks like I was wrong and I should have done it earlier. But how was I supposed to know that the water would randomly stop working again? I thought it was on for good. So when I turned on the tap, it came out as normal for a few seconds, then slowed down to a trickle until it stopped completely. I kept turning the taps off and on but still nothing came out anymore. I tried the bathroom sink and the kitchen sink, and nothing.

Fuck. I need to be at work by 10 am tomorrow. Looks like I'll have to wake up around 7 am to see if my dad will get the water working again or not. If not, looks like I'll go to work feeling disgusting. I hate that. It doesn't happen often. I usually have a shower every 2 - 3 days which a lot of people would say "ew" but really, I don't have body odour, I don't work a sweaty job, my hair doesn't get greasy if I haven't washed it in a few hours. Besides, they say that showering less is better for your body in general. Look it up if you don't believe me. And it's not like I'm disgusting or too lazy to shower. Some people really do need to shower everyday if they have bad B.O., or work a long and sweaty job or have hair that gets greasy fast. I stand behind a counter or price things for 4 - 6 hours. That doesn't really count. I'm still pretty clean a couple of days later, except that's when my hair does start to get greasy so I end up having a shower anyway.

One thing I don't understand is those girls who shower like 2 times a day. It's really weird and just idk. If I did that my hair would never be dry, since I don't blow dry it often since I don't like to damage it too much with heat. Plus it wastes water. If you've showered once already, you don't need to shower again until the next day or a couple days later. It's also a reason why my hair is so healthy and has no split ends except a few odd ones here and there that fall out. Plus I don't kill it by dying it a new colour every two weeks.

Anyway, this isn't really about how often I shower. It's just that I'm kinda pissed off since I do need to shower and I can't. Plus, my boyfriend lives in a different country so I can't just go over to his place to use his shower, and my best friend lives an hour away. I do have a couple friends here in town who I'm sure I could have asked but I had thought that we'd have water by tonight. Well, it looks like I'll have to wake up early tomorrow and see if the water will work for me to have a bath or shower in time for work. I hope it does. If not I'll have to use dry shampoo on my hair or something. But I hate going places feeling like this. -_-

It's happened a couple of times. I mean, especially when I lived in Halifax close to two of my friends including my best friend, I'd go to either of their place unexpectedly and not have a chance to bring clothes to change into. I could obviously shower at their place but I hate also wearing the same underwear the next day. Sometimes I didn't have a choice. I'm sure other people have found themselves in that predicament.

Well, like I said there's not much I can do but hope that my dad can fix whatever's bugging the water this time with enough time so that I can have a shower/bath before work. But at least I'll only be at work for 4 hours tomorrow if the worst should happen. Then I have another day off before I work again which gives time for the water to start working permanently. It really sucks being without running water. People can say "be grateful for what you have" or "I'm so grateful for what I have" all they want but I know they'd complain if they were in this situation too. I've been patient for the last few days but now that I have somewhere to go tomorrow I'm not so patient.

In other news, James and I had another argument. Long story short, I keep thinking that he's doing things that he's not, and I know I have to stop it. I think I am getting so stressed and anxious about this first meeting that I'm looking for things that could go wrong, or reasons to be angry at him and I don't know why. He admitted that he's nervous too, and I hope that once we are together, all of our stress and worries will just melt away and we'll have an awesome time together. It's like the closer the meeting is getting, the more stressed we are getting, especially me. He tells me that he'll for sure be here, even if he has to take a train rather than drive a car if he can't get a car.

On Wednesday he's calling out of work to apply for his passport. That should give it time to get to him on time. He also told me of his new plans, that he plans to wait to move mid-April, get settled, then come down to see me, then go back there and get a new job afterwards. I guess it does make sense, I mean, it would give him time to save up more, rather than moving now, and not being able to save up as much due to not getting a job right away. I'm sure he's got a bunch saved up by now, but I don't know how much he's planning on bringing here. Plus, with a car, he doesn't want to waste 2000$ on a junker that might last a few months or that he would have to spend more to fix. He'd rather save up for a decently nice car. He'll need one if he plans on driving here often.

I probably won't start to feel really excited until he's on his way, using whatever method he can (car or train). Maybe then it'll sink in that he's really coming. Until then, I'll be super stressed and worried about all that can go wrong. I wonder if other people felt this for their first time meeting their LDR partner. After the first time it'll be a lot better and flow smoother once we get a system going.

Well I think that's all the ranting I have to do for now. I'm so nervous.

Working and Waiting

So I figured I should write another blog post since I haven't been on here in a few days now. There's not a whole lot to report. I did work two days at my job last week, for training, and I am enjoying it, however it's a busy store. I was a little intimidated at first, and I still need someone to be next to me as I'm ringing people in, in case I mess up, but I've only been there 2 days so I still have lots of time to get used to it. My next day working is Tuesday, which sucks because James has Tuesday off, but he usually doesn't get online until around 3 - 4 pm my time anyway, and I'm off at 2 pm my time so that's fine. Even when I start to work longer hours on his days off, I'll still get home at a decent time to be able to talk to him.

And, he told me that he is calling out of work on Wednesday to go apply for his passport. Soon he'll have to put his 2 weeks notice in there anyway, so he said he's not worried about calling out too much anymore. I'll be looking forward to that day, and the day that he finally does get his passport so I'll know for sure he's coming. <3 Once he moves to Massachusetts, he'll be getting a car. Soon things will be starting to fall into place, at least I hope.

The worst part of this has been the waiting. Waiting for him to get a passport, waiting for him to move to Massachusetts, waiting for him to get a car, and to get things ready for his trip here. I really hope that things go as we'd planned. Otherwise I'll end up looking like an idiot and start to think that this isn't a real relationship at all. He keeps telling me how much he wants to meet me and that I have nothing to worry about on his part so I guess I just have to go by what he says. I still worry and of course, likely won't fully believe it's happening until he is here in my arms.

I don't know if any of you were this anxious before the big first meeting, but I'm sure some of you were, and maybe some of you had your doubts like I do. I mean, it's not that I doubt him. It's just that, well I have only met him online, and he lives in a different country, so there is a potential for things to go wrong. I've never been in an LDR before so I'm naturally anxious about what could go wrong for our first meeting. Plus, I keep thinking about those scammer stories, where they always cancel at the last minute before the meeting, and I'm worried that could happen too. I know James is real. But what if he decides he doesn't want to meet me, that it's too much work? I don't think that'll happen, but everyone worries over different things when they're in an LDR, especially before the very first meeting. After this like I said, he'll have everything (car and passport) and I will definitely be able to trust that he will come when he says he will.

There's a lot riding on this first meeting. He has to get things ready on his part, and make sure he can make it here on May 7. If he doesn't, I'll lose trust in him, along with my dignity, ego and heart will be shattered. He says he will for sure come because he doesn't want to hurt me and let me down, or disappoint himself. I just have to trust him I guess.

Well, I think that's about all I have to say for now. It's only 58 days until I see him <3

I Got a Job :D

So...it's finally happened.

Yesterday I went in for an interview at the Dollar Store closest to my place, well it's about a 15 min drive but that's nothing to me, living out of town and all. Anyway, I didn't think too much of the interview afterwards. I was like "it's just another interview, nothing will come of it I bet" and that was that. They said they'd call if I got the job, but otherwise they wouldn't.

This morning, not an hour ago, my mom comes up with the phone in her hand and says "it's the Great Canadian Dollar Store". I was like O_O. I pretty much had to bolt up out of bed since I was dead tired and pretty much still sound asleep from staying up late last night. Sounding awake on the phone when your brain isn't quite functioning yet is a bit difficult, but I managed.

Anyway, I start from 10 - 2 tomorrow for training, then come in from 1 - 5 on Friday for an actual shift I assume. I'm really happy that something finally happened and now I will not have to worry about money for when James comes anymore :D I've also told them that there's a week in May when I can't work, and they told me that they give new people a week or so since they probably have previous plans, so that's a good thing. The shifts I'm guessing probably won't be much more than 4 - 5 hours. But that's fine with me.

I'm a little nervous to start but everyone's nervous, even professionals still make mistakes, as what happened at my mom's work when her boss made a pretty bad mistake. But at least it got fixed, and it happened to a guy who liked them so he didn't sue or anything which was good. I'm also excited to start, and today is my last day of complete freedom, so maybe I'll go shopping :P lol. Of course I'll have days off here and there I'm sure. The only thing about that is, it'll suck when James has a day off and I'll be working on that day but even on his days off he goes out anyway and doesn't get on until afternoon. Oh well, I know it'll work with our relationship and I'm so glad we only have a -1 hour time difference. If I have to work closing, the place closes at 9 pm my time so I'd get home around 8:15 - 8:30 his time, which is fine since sometimes he doesn't get on until that time after work anyway.

It looks like my life is finally starting to come together. I got a job that's a 15 min drive from my place, I don't have to move out yet (which I want to eventually but it's really expensive, and couldn't afford it on a min wage part time job anyway) and waste a lot of money, I can get my own car (my mom's old car will be put in my name and I'll pay insurance), I can pay my own cell phone bill again, and most importantly, save up for when James comes :D That's a load off my shoulders.

Random spending will still be at a minimum for a while until the paycheck comes in steady. I'll take a certain amount of each pay that I can spend freely, save a certain amount and use the rest to pay bills and such. Probably the "spend freely" chunk will be the smallest lol. But if it's like the Hallmark job and I only get a few days a week, I likely won't pull in more than 200$ a paycheck. Still though, it's something, and that's all that matters.

I'm pretty excited, and it also gives me more work experience, plus it's a real job so I won't get screwed over like I did with the agency. That was a pretty shitty thing of them to do to me, especially since the call came the day after I'd given my landlords 450$ for rent. Ugh. Well I didn't like it there anyway, the girl I worked with bitched a lot, and it was annoying. I was afraid to make a mistake because I didn't want her bitching at me. They seemed to like me though, so that's why I was shocked they let me go so fast and for no reason. To this day I still don't know what the reason was.

I had a friend who worked at the same store I'm starting work at tomorrow for a long time, she would complain about drama there but to be honest she was kind of a person that attracted drama for whatever reason. Then again she did drink at work, so that could be a lot of it. If the managers kept her even after they knew she drank (she only left because she was going to school) then they should be fine with me. She also said there was drama between co-workers, but that's why I don't get personal with co-workers and I stay out of things. If they wanna talk to me, fine, but I don't get all buddy buddy with them.

Oh well, I'm happy that something finally went my way for once. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes :D

Stupid Girls

You know the girls that say all guys are assholes because they dated a few of them? Well those girls are fucking shallow idiots. Just saw someone on twitter post "You're stupid if you think he's only talking to you". Sorry that you had bad luck with asshole guys cheating on you, but you have no right to judge every guy just because of that. And you have no idea what every guy is like in a relationship.

It's probably some dumb teenager who wrote that, who's dated one or two guys for a few months at a time and then considers herself an expert on relationships. You want to know my list of guys? Well here it is: (not counting relationships in high school because I did nothing with them that made it count as a real relationship, my first serious relationship started after I graduated high school)

1st: Aug 2007 - Mar 2009
2nd: June 2009 - Nov 2009/Feb 2010 (we broke up once then he thought we were back together even though I didn't confirm it to him and wasn't interested in getting back with him)
3rd: May 2010 - Jan 2011
4th: July 2011 - July 2012 (he broke up with me a day before our one year anniversary, yeah thanks)
5th: Nov 2012 - Dec 2012
6th: Oct 2013 - present

Out of those guys, two of them were total assholes (the first two). The next few after that were decent guys, although we had our differences so it obviously didn't work out. Pretty sure only the first two cheated on me, the others did not. But, after the last guy broke up with me in December 2012, I was single for 10 months to just chill and by that point I was ready to wait until I found the right guy. And I wasn't even looking for a relationship when James came into my life. I know he's the one, and thanks to fate (and God) I've found my soulmate. I've never felt this way before despite the other guys I dated before him.

James lives in another country, and we haven't met in person yet, so that must automatically mean that he's been talking to other girls even if he says he isn't. Dear girl who said that we're stupid if we think he's only talking to us: it's called trust, and I don't trust people easily. They have to prove themselves loyal and he has not given me any red flags. Believe me, I know what red flags are as I experienced them myself when those two guys cheated on me. But does that mean I put all guys in the same asshole category? No.

I'm really glad I gave James a chance to come into my life, he makes all things better and I can't wait to meet him in 65 days <3 I know it'll be the best time of my life.

Internet Scammers

So, I've been sitting here watching Dr. Phil episodes on catfish and internet scammers. I know that James isn't a scammer, as much as some people might doubt me. He's not going to let me down, even if I still have a little fear that he might cancel on me at the last minute. But after the first visit, I'll feel more relaxed in knowing that he will for sure come when he says he will.

However, as I've said before, he's definitely not shown any red flags that usually come with scammers. He hasn't asked me for money, or made up some elaborate back story about his life to make me feel sorry for him. We go on webcam every night and he's talked to me with his voice on there. Yes he does have an accent, but it's not like I'm just falling in love with a picture or just a voice, as well as his English grammar is like that of a person whose native language is English. All the stories he tells me do add up and nothing sounds suspicious or out of the ordinary. I wouldn't have let it get this far if I'd suspected anything at all. I'm not stupid when it comes to online dating, and like I've said, any other guy I met online turned out to be real when I met them in person.

You can really meet some awesome people online. It's how I met my best friend. I met my other boyfriends online and then in person, although they weren't so awesome in the end, I had decent relationships with a couple of them. I've also met friends who I know to be true people, and developed close friendships with them, although I haven't met them in person yet. You just have to be really careful and not open up your heart to just anybody who might say a friendly word or two.

One thing I don't understand, is these women who just give away their money to someone they haven't even seen on webcam, only hearing their voice, writing emails and seeing a photo. I mean, I won't give my money to anyone at all who asks for it, unless it's a family member or friend who needs a few dollars of course. But to give money to someone online because they say sweet things to you and make up stories of how they're in trouble to get you to feel sorry for them? Or to send money to someone online at all? That sounds really fishy to me. I would never do that.

I've had one guy online, on DA ask me for money, well he sent me a weird message and I told him I have a bf, then he kept going on about how "if you send me money I'll come to see you and make you see you don't need anyone else but me" -_- come on now, no one's that stupid. He asked a couple of more times and I finally ignored him, and he stopped asking. Even if I was single, I wouldn't be so "emotional" and "desperate" that I would fall for that crap.

And it's not only money, but these women get emotionally involved with someone who is totally and obviously a fake, so I don't see how they get caught up in that. I am emotionally involved with James, but like I said I know he's not a fake, and he will come and see me. If he doesn't, well the joke's on me and I've been had. I would be heartbroken but I would heal as I have so many other times from guys who've hurt me in person. It's just the same thing.

Anyway, a lot of times these scammer guys say they're living in the same country as you, then they immediately have to go overseas for some crazy reason or another. Or they're already living overseas. I do know that there have been overseas romances that have been true and worked out, same as any long distance online relationship. They often say they have some kind of job where supposedly they make a lot of money. Yet if that were true, why would they keep asking for money from you??

Also, if you have that much money that you can give to this guy, why not use the money to surprise him and go over there to meet him to make sure he's real? If you text him while you're there saying "hey I'm here in ___, I'd love to meet up with you, I thought I'd surprise you" and they get nervous and tell you they don't want to, or can't, meet up, then you know it's a scam and you'd probably have saved a lot more money by travelling over there. I wouldn't just sit there waiting and depending on them to show up even after they've cancelled a few times, because they won't come to you, so why not go to them just to be sure?

I am nervous about James cancelling on me, and me and him had a fight last night about it. Basically I told him that I didn't think he would come, and he got upset and hurt that I would doubt him so much. However we talked it through like adults, and got over it in the end and he still came on webcam last night to see me. All I can do is wait and hope that he's right, that I can trust him and won't have to doubt him because he will come and see me.

There are a lot of warning signs that you're involved with a scammer, but a big one is the moment they ask you for money, it's best to just drop out of that "relationship" and stop talking to them/block them immediately because it was never a relationship to begin with. If someone really loves you, they won't ask you for money, especially a large sum of money such as over 500$ or so. I mean, once James comes here I'm sure he'll offer to pay for things for me just as I'll offer to pay for things for him. But he hasn't asked me for money, and I know he won't, and I won't ask him either, even though I'm really broke and I know he has a lot more money than I do. I wouldn't take advantage of him like that, I'm just going to wait until I get my own job so I can pay for my own things.

People would say "why not just date someone from your own town instead of doing this online crap". Well, people can be scammers in person, they can lie, cheat, hide things, just as well as they can in online relationships. You could be dating someone in person, only to find out later they've been living a secret life, there's a ton of stories on that. It's no different, really, in my opinion.

I think that's about all I wanted to say for now. Still got another six or so hours before I talk to him again tonight :( sigh. Boring day...

LDR Challenge Day Thirty

Where do you see your future going with him?

Call me crazy, and we've only been together for 5 months but I really do see us getting married and being together forever. He's my soulmate, and I don't want anyone else. He even talks about the wedding with me when I talk about it, he doesn't get freaked out like some guys do at the idea of getting married.

It's the last day of the challenge, which I'm surprised that I managed to do one everyday and not forget about it or get bored. So, yay I guess. Look forward to more regular blog posts from now on.