Letting Go

Why is it so hard for me to just let go of the past, move on with my life and not let my past interfere with my relationship or my future?

I don't know. I wish I could answer that because I really need to let go. Most people who were involved in drama with me, have already let it go and forgotten about me, at least for the most part. Why do I have to be left with the pain that they caused me, while they get to move on and be happy? Am I really that terrible of a person that I deserve to think that I want to die? That I deserve to think that I don't deserve happiness?

I like to think that I'm a decent person, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I should listen to those people in my past who told me that I'm a miserable person. But why bother listening to them? They don't like me. They're in my past, I don't deal with them anymore. I shouldn't let what they said still eat at me. I should focus on the people who love and care about me, not the ones who brought me down before.

Some days I just feel like I don't deserve James' love, or his dedication to making this LDR work. I feel like he should find a girl in his country, one who lives closer so that he doesn't have to go through all this trouble. He insists that he wants to be with me, that I'm his soulmate and he loves me, that he will do anything he has to do to make this work.

I'm feeling emotional over our meeting, so many thoughts going through my head. On the one side, I'm excited because I finally get to meet him soon, and do all I wanted to do with him and be happy. On the other side, there's so many things that can still go wrong and that I won't get to meet him on May 7 :( and that's the part that is getting at me I think because I've had so many guys hurt me over "distance" and I'm worried the same thing will happen again.

I'll just be glad when he's here, and all this worry and anxiety is over. It'll be like a huge weight lifted off my chest the minute I first see him in person. I miss him so much and just want him to be with me :( Oh LDR probs...

53 days <3