He's Not That Into You

Do not let a guy take advantage of your feelings for him, and make you look like an idiot while he goes on to obviously not care about you at all.

Just read a tumblr post about a girl who was in an LDR, and she finally realized it was only one-sided when he barely put in the effort to do anything for her, and when she went to spend 5 weeks with him, he didn't even acknowledge her as his girlfriend, just someone he was talking to. She realized when she stopped being "clingy", it came crashing down because he just didn't want anything to do with it or to put any effort on his part.

I've dated a guy who was like that. A couple of them actually. Basically, I was the only one putting in effort, as in going to see them, wanting to go out on proper dates rather than sitting at home all the time. They would only give me a half-hearted effort when I put the idea forward, but I could tell that if we actually did it, they weren't really enjoying themselves. It made me feel disheartened because they said that they wanted to do it, so why did they act like it was a thumbtack in their ass?

Guys say a lot of things to get with the girl, to impress her and reel her in at first. Especially if he thinks he wants to be in a relationship. Then later on, something happens as in it's something the girl did, or the relationship itself, and he suddenly decides "I don't want anything to do with this anymore but I don't want to be the jerk and dump her so I'll just act like I'm enjoying myself when really this sucks". Basically they don't want to make themselves look like the bad guy, they don't care about not hurting you at all.

Sure some guys feel bad about hurting a girl, like my last ex cried the last time I was at his place, because I was crying after he dumped me because I was scared I wouldn't see him again. He told me that we could be friends and I could come over whenever I wanted. I thought, well if he's crying over me, he must still care about me and I'm sure he did at the time. We hung out a couple of times after that, but it slowly faded out, until last year when he just stopped answering my messages one day and I haven't heard from him since. I said "happy birthday" on his facebook last month but that was about it. I even wrote him a heartfelt message in November pretty much saying "well I would still like us to talk and I think we'd be good friends" but can you guess? That went ignored too. What a jerk. I know he only told me we could be friends so that perhaps he could get laid later on if he was running dry, and he knew I'd jump at the chance. He did ask me last year and I told him no, and after that he wasn't so friendly with me. That's pretty much around when he stopped answering my messages, that was in the summer.

So after we broke up, and I was healing, I realized how much effort I'd put into our "relationship" and how much of nothing he did. He wasn't even long distance, well according to him we were. It was an hour drive, and yes, he complained about it. Why? Because, his reason, he drives 40 minutes to and from the city everyday to work. Ok, so you knew that I lived in a different town than you from the start, why would you let a relationship go on this long if you knew you weren't going to put in any effort? You know what gets me? Is at the beginning, he said he didn't mind the "distance" yet he only came over to my place about 4 times in our whole one year relationship. The rest of the time, I was going there every weekend. And of course, stupid me, I didn't mind. I didn't understand though why he wouldn't come to my place without an argument.

And he was one of those lazy jerks who played video games too much, so whenever I wanted to go out he'd either say no and we (or he) would play video games instead, or it would take a lot of persuading on my part and when we finally did go I could tell he wasn't enjoying himself. I think he did a lot of lying in that relationship. Maybe not outright lying but covering up I guess. Just faking that he was having a good time going out with me when he really would rather be home playing video games, or rather talk to me online than see me in person. Sometimes when I was over, he would even make me sit on his bed, play on my laptop while he played his video games for 3 hours at night. It pissed me off because by the time he was done it was too late to really have sex or do anything like cuddle so we'd just get into bed and go to sleep. Plus he lived with his parents (which btw isn't a bad thing at our age, it's a matter of if you're financially ready to move out or not) and night time was the only time we could do it, but he ate up most of that playing his stupid games.

Some girls delude themselves into thinking they're in love, and I'll admit I did that too. Even if they notice their guy is barely doing anything special for them without complaining, or treating them less than something or someone, they still think maybe it'll change over time, or if they just keep unknowingly forcing the guy to do something they don't want to do, it'll make them realize they're having fun and whatever. I don't know, I guess I just thought that I had a lot in common with him and so it was hard to let go of that, even when I started to realize he wasn't putting in the effort. I clung on because I thought maybe we could just compromise, but compromising was never in his vocabulary.

So, basically in an LDR, you need a guy who is willing to compromise, one who's willing to make the effort and spend the time and money to see you, and of course one who will be loyal and honest. Those are hard qualities to find in a guy I'll admit, and I was really lucky that this guy I have now (James) stumbled across me on DA and we've been inseparable ever since. If you notice that whenever you try to meet up, it's always you who's going to meet him, then that's bad. If you have to ask him to come and meet you, that's bad too. If you're posting all these things about him on social media and he's not posting anything, not even a photo of you two together, that's pretty bad too. If you only think he thinks of you as a girlfriend, but you don't know because he never asked you, then don't start deluding yourself because you'll only fall for him while he just keeps falling away from you. It's like dangling a string in front of a cat, then pulling it away, but putting it back in front of the cat because you know the cat will go after it again. Basically, you're the cat and he's the string.

I guess that's all I have to say for now. So those are my thoughts on one-sided relationships, and you should watch out for them because you don't want to put your all into someone who just isn't that into you, even if he acts like he is.