Getting a New Blog

Alright, so blogger's annoying me enough that I'm giving up on it. I'm making a wordpress blog, and those of you who follow me on here, can now follow this link for my updates.

Sadly this will be my last post on blogger, but I hope you'll enjoy my new blog as well. http://myldraandj.wordpress.com/

New Addition to the Family

Shortly after I wrote the last post on the last day of July, my parents went for their walk and came home with a 2 week old kitten. The poor kitten had been left in the woods on a hill that is on our property, and we have no idea how other than he was the runt of the litter and the mother abandoned him since sometimes mothers are known to abandon the weak ones. His mother could have been a feral cat too.

Anyway, they said they were walking when they heard this little squeak/chirp noise. They were like "it can't be a kitten, why would a kitten be all the way up here?" and so they looked for it, thinking maybe it's a baby wild animal or something. But underneath some brush, they found a tiny kitten. It was cold, wet, alone, covered in ants and slugs. Its paws were red and raw (not bleeding though) from trying to get out from under there. It still breaks my heart to think about what the poor thing had been through the last couple days before we found him. Left alone there in the woods probably for two or three days before my parents found him. It really amazes me how he managed to survive all alone, and no wild animals got to him before we did.

As of now, he's alright. We had to take him to the vet today as my mom was worried about him not eating properly this morning. After the vet fed him proper formula through a feeding tube, he seemed to regain what strength he has and his energy is back. He's definitely got his appetite back too. He's really spunky and hyper, so that's a good sign. He wants to eat a lot, and he's so young that we have to help him use the bathroom by stimulating his bladder like his mother would have.

I picked out his name and it's Noah. I like it. It seems to suit him. We're going to have to be round the clock babysitters and not leave him alone for like the first month or at least until he gets big enough to be able to play with the other cats. The other cats don't seem to be too bothered by him, but he's too young to play with them now so we can't leave them alone with him obviously. Maybe they'll warm up to him once he's older. So, this makes four cats that James gets to meet when he comes here. I think four cats is the most cats we've ever had at once.

As for news about James, there's still nothing to report. I'm really hoping he gets his passport either the week after next week, or the week after that at the latest. I'll be upset if it doesn't happen by the end of August.

Anyway, that's about all for now I guess.

Last Day of July

It's the last day of July, and he still doesn't have his passport. Obviously if they told him that it'll be another 2 - 3 weeks he'd either get it the week after next week, or the week after that. If he doesn't get it by the end of August I will be getting very frustrated and upset. His case is past now, it shouldn't cause him anymore trouble. But like I've said, I gave it until the end of September to get here so that gives it a bit more time. I'd just hoped to have him be here by then. By the looks of things, if his passport doesn't get here the week after next week, he could be here around our one year anniversary. That would also be nice, so we could spend our one year anniversary together. And probably have a belated birthday date for me :P

Right now I feel really sick. I have a migraine that is making me feel nauseous. And it just keeps getting worse. I'd hoped to go into town today but if I still feel this crappy later then I probably won't. It sucks because I asked for the car too. It's not like I can't get it another day though. I just wanted to get a couple things in relation to James. But I'm sure they will still be there. It didn't seem like they were selling out too fast. I hope. They were a really good deal so who knows. If not I can probably just find one online...maybe. What they are is solar lights. I already bought 3 online for 3 bucks each. I also bought some ones that look like Christmas tree lights, but they aren't. I have a purpose for them. The one I wanted to get at the store is a mosaic one. If you don't know what those are, type in "mosaic solar lights" and you'll see. At the store I saw them at, they were only 4 bucks so that's why I want to get one there. And worried they might sell a lot of them since they're so cheap. But I'll see.

I just figured they would be more convenient for a nighttime picnic lol. Plus add a little romance, and I just like them because they're pretty. Or they'd be good for anything we want to do at night. We'd probably still do that stuff in October. We'd just have to dress for it cause I'm Canadian and all. We Canadians do crazy stuff. We've had bbqs when it's snowing and campfires during blizzards. I've also eaten ice cream during the winter several times. Winter shouldn't be an "off" season for ice cream. You want an ice cream and it's snowing outside, you go get it gurl (or guy, whoever's reading this).

This migraine seems to be relentless. It started creeping up on me last night and I took some pills early on, hoping it would go away. By the time I fell asleep it was pretty bad and then I woke up during earlier and it was worse then, now it's even worse. Hope I don't get sick. I tried eating a freezie but it didn't seem to help. Usually freezies, popsicles, and ice cream is good for an upset stomach because it's nice and cold and seem to ease the pain sometimes. I guess not in this case. I think the only thing that will help it now is a really strong pill that my mom has - and she's at work. I only take those when nothing else works because they are expensive.

Anyway, mine and James' 10 month anniversary is a week from now. We've been going strong for the past 10 months. We haven't even had a huge fight in that we both wanted to give up on the relationship. We've had arguments, but we get over them quickly. The two of us being introverts helps in that area I think. I've dated extroverts too, and I fought often with them. I also dated an introvert before I dated James, and I didn't fight too much with him either. It's really nice to be with someone (James) who I don't fight with or have to worry about getting mad at me over stupid things that I do. If I can tell he's upset because of something I did, we talk it out and usually we're fine a few minutes later. He's really the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I really want this to work.

Yesterday my mom was saying how all she wants for us (her daughters) is someone who will take care of us and just be there for us. Like my sister for example. She has two jobs, yet her boyfriend who also works (but only during weekdays) comes to see her every weekend and he does special things for her. Plus, he's helping her with the building of the lot of their future home on my dad's property. My mom's known him for quite a while now so she knows he'll be good for her in that way. She was saying how she doesn't know James yet, but he could be that way too, and that's another reason I want him to be here, so that she knows how well he does treat me and how happy I am with him. I know he will put my best interests first. I know he'll take care of me and treat me like how I want to be treated. If we had met in person, we would definitely work out well and my mom could see how awesome he is.

Well, here's to hoping that the weeks we've been waiting for his passport are truly, finally narrowing down. And to hoping that my migraine/stomach ache goes away soon.

Passport News

James went into the passport office again and they told him that it'll be another 2 - 3 weeks if it goes well. That's what I was hoping for. But they also said if things go wrong for some reason, it could be another 5 weeks. I'm thinking that since his case is past now, maybe what they're saying will end up happening and he'll get it in 2 - 3 weeks. I can only hope.

At least they still seem to be on track with it and they didn't tell him there was any complications yet so I'm relieved of that. If he doesn't get it in another two weeks, he'll go back yet again. but I'm really hoping things work out and it arrives on time so that he doesn't have to go back after all.

I'm just tired of all this waiting. The two weeks will go by fast though, so long as they don't screw around with him. It'll be hard to be truly excited about it until he actually gets it in his hands. He could end up being here in October if it gets delayed too much longer. Sigh.

Well, this is what we've got to deal with so far. At least it wasn't terrible news.

By Your Side

I wrote this today as just a little random thing to write because I felt like expressing some more of my deeper feelings about this LDR. Hope you enjoy. PS: Please don't steal or copy this without my permission. It's something personal that I wrote. It was a little inspired by the song, "By Your Side" by Faber Drive".

She sat on a chair on the back deck of her grey house, watching the green, lush leaves of the trees dance in the wind, the sounds of them rustling against each other in the breezes soothing her crowded mind. Up above, the sky was darkening with grey clouds, while a few puffy white ones floated by. A bird chirped in a tree somewhere to her right. A particularly strong gust of wind blew her dark brown hair around her face and lifted the pages of the notebook she was writing in.
 
She stood up off the chair, closing her notebook, and her long, white dress fluttered around her ankles. She walked forward a few steps and rested her arms on the white railings of the deck, leaning against it and gazing at the scenery around her, taking it all in.
 
This was solitude. Trees in every direction she looked. The only connection to the outside world was the main highway a few hundred yards away. No one was around besides her three cats, as her family was busy going about their lives.
 
Her thoughts drifted to a certain someone, who had dark brown hair and very intense brown eyes. As images of him made their way across her mind, she smiled.
 
He was her love. He loved her unconditionally, and she wholeheartedly returned those feelings. Thinking of his smile and laugh melted away her worries, and she knew she was not alone. He was always by her side. She closed her eyes, and it was as if he was standing there beside her, his arms wrapped around her protectively, making her feel safe.
 
She got caught up in the daydream, so when she opened her eyes reality hit her like a lightning bolt. He wasn't here. She had no idea when he would be. Despite being in a relationship with him for nearly ten months, she had never seen him smile in person or felt his touch.
 
He was 1400kms away. In a different state, in a different country. There was a border between them. It pained her to think that the only way she could see him or talk to him was through a computer screen.
 
Her sadness at missing him brought forth a new emotion: determination. No matter how many people ridiculed their relationship, no matter how much longer she had to wait to meet him, she would suffer through the pain of missing him. Because waiting this long for someone who made her feel like no one else has would be worth it when she could finally spend seven glorious days with him physically by her side.
 
She'd wait. And until then, she could only dream and pray that one day soon they could be together. Their relationship was like a rock: solid, indestructible. Nothing would tear them apart. They were both equally determined to make this work. Because that is what you do when you love someone unconditionally. You make sacrifices in order to be with them.
 
Until then, she only had her fantasies, dreams, and his spirit surrounding her. She felt him in every step, every breath, surrounding her and shielding her. Closing her eyes again, she could almost feel his lips against hers as he whispered "I love you".
 
"When you close your eyes, I'm by your side." - By Your Side: Faber Drive

Soon We'll Know

James did manage to get a weekday off next week, so at last he'll be able to go to the passport office for what will (hopefully) be the final update. That's, if all goes well and they say that they're still on track with his passport and things are looking good.

Unfortunately, however, he closes for 4 days once again - that means another 4 days of not seeing him on skype or talking to him at night. Those nights are tough, and two weeks in a row of 4 closing nights really suck. He complained to his manager last week, and he told me that yesterday he gave his manager hell when they refused to listen to his complaints from last time. It's not fair that he has to close all the time because other people don't want to. Plus they won't let him have a week's vacation this month because they say it's already booked, and yet 3 people go on vacation in a week. That's partly the reason why he's closing so much.

The only consolation is that I get to talk to him in the morning at least, now that I'm not working. It just sucks not seeing him on skype. And what's worse is, on the nights he doesn't close, when skype decides it doesn't want to work for us. That's happened often, and I don't know why. I've gone on skype with other friends and it worked fine with them. But then James has Windows 7 and I have Windows 8 so maybe the upgrades don't work as well, or I don't know. It didn't work well before I got the upgrade either but I figured it was because of my crappy old computer. I just wish I could have Windows 7 on this new computer so that maybe skype would work, but I don't know if that's the problem. Some nights it works fine without any problems. Other nights it just cuts out for no reason and we can't get on for more than 5 seconds. And those nights are frustrating. Especially if it's on a night before he's due to close 3 nights in a row. I've gone almost a week without seeing him on skype, because skype refused to work in between the nights he closed.

I'm just getting a bit anxious again because next week we'll actually know for sure, if things are still going well with his passport. Or if it's all going to be a fail and he has to wait another 6 - 8 weeks or some shit. Plus, if he gets good news next week that it will be ready soon, he'll call his mom and get her to prepare for him to move into her basement apartment.

I'm really hoping for good news. I've given him until the end of September to have his passport in his hand. If that doesn't happen, things might not look good for us. I can't wait around for years and then have nothing happen and my heart be broken because he doesn't show up for some reason. That's one of my bigger fears.

Let's see, I'm worried about a couple things that could go wrong with this passport visit.

1) They could say that it'll take another 6 - 8 weeks due to some complication.
2) They could say they haven't started looking at it or processing it yet.

Of course, the good thing they could say is if it's actually on track and will get to him on the time that they told him it would be ready last time. When he went there almost 3 weeks ago, they told him they'd start looking at it on July 11 and if things go well he'd have it in a month. So, let's pray they are still on track.

LDR Advice

I know I've posted about catfishing and scamming before, but this post is different. It's a general advice post about how to keep an LDR successful. I hope this will help some of you if you're going through struggles in your LDR, or just want to get general tips to how to keep things going well.

1) Make sure he's not catfishing you.
You've heard me rant about this before, but I'll put a few of the tips in here again. Creep his social media networks (Facebook, twitter, whatever else he has). Check out his friends, photos and past posts. Make sure his stories add up and that there's not too much drama in his life. A lot of times, over the top drama is a catfish's ploy to make someone feel sorry for them. Also, make sure that he will go on skype or video chat with you. Catfish generally don't want to go on skype, because they aren't who they say they are. Also, this is another huge red flag, but the second they ask for money, it's definitely a scam and DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT continue the relationship no matter how much you've "fallen" for them. What would you rather, a broken heart or a broken bank account that leaves you both broke in cash, and broke in heart. In some extreme catfish cases, people have lost their homes and families due to blind "love" and sending cash to someone they've never even seen on webcam. If a person really "loves" you, they won't ask you for money. Use common sense when online dating.

2) Make sure you are clear on where you stand in his life.
Say you've been talking for a few months now, and you're falling hard for him. You think he likes you, but you're not sure because he hasn't said the words. But, he's been flirting with you, so that must mean that he cares somewhat, right? So you finally decide to meet him, spend all this money and spend time with him, he treats you like a girlfriend and gets all your emotions confused but he doesn't officially ask you out. Suddenly, you go back home and he's cold towards you, you ask him what you are in his life, and he says you're just "talking". (This is an example that actually happened to someone in an LDR). Don't let that happen. If you're confused or unclear about anything, just talk about it before you make a big leap emotionally. If he acts like he doesn't want you as more than a friend, or person to talk to, then don't invest too much emotionally (or money wise) into it. I've been played by guys (locally) who I thought liked me, and it's not fun. It's better to ask and be clear, even if his answer hurts you and rips your heart out, than to be fuzzy and have him leading you on for so long only to have it hurt more when he hurts you.

3) Both put in equal amount of effort.
Again, LDR's, along with local relationships, are all about effort. Two people care for each other and want to be together. But is one of them seriously committed or just messing around and expecting you to do everything? Here's an example that taught me to watch out for that. I dated a local guy for one year, he broke up with me a day before our one year anniversary. I liked him a lot, we had a lot in common and when we were together, we had fun. However - there was a catch. He was so lazy, that he only came to my place 4 times in the year that we were together. He lived an hour's drive away, and he always had some excuse not to come see me, so then I would give in and drive to go see him because I wanted to be with him. His excuses were "I drive 40 mins to and from work everyday so it's hard on my car" or "gas is expensive" or "I like to relax at home on weekends, but you can come here". I wanted to alternate, meaning he come one weekend, I'd go there the next, but he couldn't even do that. He wouldn't compromise at all. It was either me going there, or I wouldn't see him, or he'd make a big fuss about having to drive here and when he was here he didn't seem to have any fun. In other words, make sure your guy is putting in as much effort as you are, and girls, don't make him do all the visiting all the time. And it's not only the visiting. In LDRs, we have to communicate frequently, so make sure that he's thinking of you and he lets you know that, rather than you reaching out to him all the time and him only replying with a "meh" response, or no response at all.

4) Be safe when meeting.
This shouldn't be too hard. If you're going to meet someone from a different state/province/country, or even locally for that matter, it should be done safely. I'm sure I was stupid when meeting local guys in person after talking to them online. Luckily nothing happened to me, but it could easily happen to anyone. See I find that I can figure out which guys online are trustworthy, especially after I've creeped them for a while. But even so, I don't put my full trust in them until I absolutely know for sure who they are by either meeting in person or doing total research on them. I'm in an LDR and we haven't had the chance to meet in person yet, but when we do I know my mom will probably be with me, along with maybe my sister if she wants to. Make sure you at least have someone with you, or if you think that would be too awkward for a first date, make sure he knows you have your phone on you and are texting someone to let them know where you are/what you're doing with him. If he's not ok with you letting people know where you are, that's a red flag. You can just bring it up casually like "I'm texting my sister/mom/dad/friend to let them know what I'm doing".

5) Go public with your relationship.
James doesn't really post personal things on facebook anyway since he's barely on there, but he doesn't mind when I post things on his facebook or tag him in things. And we are in a relationship on facebook. Also, on DA, I write on his wall for our monthly anniversaries, and he does the same to me. I write it on DA rather than facebook, because he is more active on DA. Sometimes I'll even write on his wall randomly. If you try to post things on the profile of your "guy" and he either outright deletes it or tells you not to post personal shit because he doesn't want people to read it or know that he's talking to you, that's a red flag. Or if he won't let you tag photos of him when you spent time together, or if he's not posting photos of you two together, that's not a good sign either. If he doesn't talk about you at all to anyone in his life, that's not good. James hasn't told his father about me, because his father is more judgmental and strict in that way, so James is nervous to tell him because he knows his dad would think it's crazy and stupid. He will probably tell him once he moves, and before he comes up to see me. His mom and best friend know about me, and I'm sure probably his other friends know. Well, everyone in my life knows about him, since my parents aren't too strict with this kind of thing. Most of my friends were supportive. My family was weird at first but now they're used to it. They just hope he sees me soon, and they're worried about him hurting me.

Anyway, it's 3am again so I think I'm going to fall asleep soon. Hope this was somewhat helpful to some people who are just starting an LDR, or even to people who've been in one for a while.

Today Was a Good Day

It looks like we'll have to wait another week to find out more about James' passport since he doesn't get a weekday off :( it sucks, but there's not much we can do. In the meantime, he has 4 closing days next week, which means I won't be able to see him for 4 nights, and 3 of those nights are in a row. That's also a pain in the ass. We enjoy seeing each other on skype at night, and it's the only time we can skype. At least, when he doesn't work closing. Sigh. But we'll get through it, we always do. It'll just mean more long and boring days for me.

Today was a pretty good day though. I was just laying around my room as usual, doing nothing. When suddenly I heard a car pull in the driveway. I thought it was my sister and her boyfriend, but then I looked out the window and saw it was two of my friends. Of course I was in my pjs so I had to rush around and get changed. I was pretty surprised though, I live 15 mins drive out of town so no one thinks to randomly come and see me or pick me up to hang out. We ended up just going to the mall and then getting something to eat (one of my friends paid for everyone) and that was it, but it was still fun getting out for a couple of hours with people, rather than alone like I usually am when I go to town.

After that I just hung around here and talked to James as usual, he called out today, but he had a bad day at work yesterday. But I think talking to me cheered him up some, we had an early skype date since he had to go to bed early tonight, and he was laughing and stuff like normal again. It was a good skype date and I couldn't stop smiling the whole time. I like those times on skype.

Pretty much directly after that, I went with my parents to my sister and her bf's future house lot which is on our property, and we had a bonfire. They have a small trailer up there for now, but are working towards getting a house built. My sister's gay friend and his boyfriend came too so that was fun. Although I was getting a bit annoyed because I wanted to go home and talk to James again since he had to go to bed early lol, but I still like bonfires. The fireflies were out as well. All I kept thinking was I wish James was with me :(

Those times are hard, when you're the only one without your boyfriend in a group of couples. James told me that tonight his best friend was out with his girlfriend, and they were at places where James wants to take me when I go visit him so James was feeling the same things I was tonight. Distance sucks and I really can't wait to see him :(

Anyway, that's about all for now I guess, I'm really tired for once so I think I'll fall asleep soon. Let's just hope that James can get a weekday off the week after next week, or even by some miracle his passport could come early :(

3 AM Thoughts

 James is going into the passport office again next week so long as he gets a weekday off work, which I hope he does. Then he should be able to find out if they are still on track with his passport and I hope they tell him it should be done in a couple weeks.

I'm tired of waiting. I mean, I'm not tired of waiting for him. I'll wait for him for however long it takes (so long as it's a reasonable amount of time, I can't wait for like 5 years for him to get here like a lot of those girls who get scammed do). I'm just tired of never knowing what's going on or when his passport will get here so that we can start planning for him to come.

Random side note, I've also taken up the hobby of crochet. It's another way to pass the time while waiting for him, and while I'm waiting to get a job. I'm catching onto it pretty quick. I tried knitting before, but I ended up stopping that and getting bored of it. I do like crochet better so I hope I can keep it up and get good at it. It is more difficult than knitting though. I'm not sure what inspired me to start doing this...it just kind of popped into my head one night.

(Warning: this post is about to get morbid, so if you don't want to read about death you can skip over this part - but it gets better near the end again)

I also heard about the Malaysian flight MH17 that went down today, so RIP to those people and my condolences to their families :( I was watching graphic videos where they showed some bodies, and it's very sad and heartbreaking, but it got me to thinking. There was one passenger who made a last facebook post which was a photo he posted of the plane itself, with a comment about if the plane goes missing, this is what it looks like (in reference to the last Malaysian plane that went missing and still hasn't been found). Him and his girlfriend were traveling to Malaysia when they both boarded the plane, and four hours later it was shot down.

And like I said, of course all this tragedy got me to thinking. You never know when your last few hours on this Earth will be. I mean really. Most of us do live out our lives and grow old. Some people are just unfortunate to meet their deaths early. I'm not scared of death, and dying, to be honest. I mean, I just hope I'm not in a situation where I know I'm going to die but can't do anything. I'd rather just one minute be here, the next gone, so I don't have time to think about what I'm going to miss. But anyway, for the most part we don't really get to choose how we die. One minute you could be walking down the street, the next get hit by a car that goes off the road.

Those people didn't know that when they boarded the plane, they only had four hours left to live. They didn't know that last night as they were getting ready to leave for wherever they were going, was the last sunset they would ever see. It does make me nervous to travel, because you just never know. But then again, there are people who are constantly traveling, and nothing ever happens to them. And if I got cold feet on traveling now, I wouldn't be able to go see James and see his life and meet his family and friends. So you have to take risks for what you want, and for the most part, traveling is fairly safe. I do enjoy flying, I've been in several planes myself, including small bush planes and gliders.

My sister's close friend was in a plane that went down last week sometime I think, or the week before. He's a pilot, but on this flight he was the co-pilot. It was only a small bush plane again, and luckily they landed safely in a field, but they pretty much had to crash land. He said that he was scared, and probably thinking these might be his last moments alive if things go really bad. Thankfully he was ok, I know my sister would have been devastated if things had gone tragic. I would have been upset too, he's a cool guy and hangs out with me sometimes too when he's here. One time he drove me home from the city.

(End morbid posting)

Anyway, I think that's all I'm going to write about that heavy subject for now. I really hope that me and James can meet soon. I could seriously use a long, tight hug from him, a good make-out session (or several), and other things. Waiting 9 and a half months for someone is a long haul. It'll probably be closer to 11 months or maybe even close to a year before we meet. It all depends how well things go with his passport. With any luck, it could get here earlier than they said but I doubt that would happen.

I just can't wait to be able to do things like normal couples do. Hold hands whenever we want to, hug, kiss, go out on dates, do romantic and cute and fun things together, etc. I want to prove to people that he is real, that he loves me and that I'm in love with him and we want to be together despite everything.

I think I'm going to attempt sleep now, I'll see. So goodnight (or good morning lol) and hopefully when I post again we'll know more about what's happening with us.

Tired of Waiting

I really hope we can meet in September. I'm tired of all this waiting. Tired of this waiting for his passport game. I am glad that we got decent news last time though. He'll be going in next week if he gets a weekday off to make sure they're still on track with it. I hope things go well and that he gets it soon.

I don't want to be like those girls who keep on waiting and waiting for their partner to meet them but they always come up with some excuse. Read about a girl who was in an online relationship for 5 years (pretty much just emailing, texting and calling, no video chats or anything) and he supposedly had cancer, and kept putting off their plans to meet because he was feeling insecure about having her see him like that. Well, she fell for it for five years. If you haven't met after five years because he keeps putting it off, there's definitely something wrong. That should have been a red flag to her. Plus, if the person is always making excuses not to go on skype or any video chats, that's another red flag. There's only so many excuses they can make before it starts to get suspicious.

Also, the ones who send money to these people are the worst. I don't care how kind-hearted and gullible you are, if someone you've been emailing a few times asks for money, that should be a major red flag. Plus you shouldn't fall that hard for someone you've only met on email and haven't seen on video at least. A lot of times, these people who are catfishing will declare their "love" for you very soon after you first meet them, usually within a week or two. That's what gets those kind people hooked, and they fall even farther after a while of bad, corny emails.

So, that's why I've decided that if me and James still are not at least in the official planning stages of seeing each other by the end of September, then that is not good. I'm hoping that if things go well and he gets his passport we can start planning around the middle of next month, so a month from now. That's if his passport does come on time. For him, he said depending on what they tell him when he goes in next week, he'll start on his moving plans since he has to give his mom a month's notice.

I hate still being so unsure of everything. At least we got some idea now, and we're finally out of the limbo of not knowing anything, but we still don't really know. Hopefully he can know more once he goes in again and that if they are still on track or not.

I'm sure other people who are in LDRs and were waiting to meet for the first time also kept hitting some traffic blocks, but eventually did get to meet after everything was alright. We can't be the only ones. Sigh.

Feeling Hopeful

Well, tonight I bring you decent news.

I was relieved when James said that they told him they'll start looking at his case tomorrow (since that's the one year anniversary date that the case was closed) and that if it all looks good he'll get his passport in about a month.

I'm feeling hopeful about this relationship once again. Since I am fairly confident they won't find any reason not to give him a passport, since he wasn't convicted and was proven innocent, he shouldn't have any trouble from now on and things should go more smoothly starting tomorrow. In a couple of weeks, he will go back for another update. He said that when he was there today, they didn't say anything about possibly denying it, so I'll take that as a good sign.

I really hope it holds true this time, and that by this time next month he'll have his passport. If so, he could be here by the end of August or beginning of September. We've already waited 9 months, what's another month? It'll be a little over a month by the time he's here, so like I said, probably around the beginning of September. Again, that's if they hold true and his passport arrives on time, like they said. The weather is nice that time of year too, so I won't be too disappointed if he doesn't get here in August. In fact I know he likes cooler weather than how hot June, July and August can be here. It's still fairly warm in the beginning of September too, but not as sweltering.

Well guys, we're a step closer to finally getting to be in each other's arms. Now I can relax a bit more, at least until the next time he goes into the office, which like I said would be in a couple of weeks. Then we'd really find out for sure if they are still on track with it. I will be devastated if something really bad happens the next time he goes there and they decide not to give him his passport after all. But, like I said, I am pretty sure if they weren't going to, they would have told him or sent him the denial letter by now.

For now, I can just bask in this bit of relief and wait until the next time to have another mini melt down :P

Scared of the Future

So far, July's been alright. Despite a bit of drama with past nuances who can't just seem to leave my twitter profile alone and stop commenting on shit I say, it's been decent.

I'm also noticing quite a bit of drama on the LDR accounts on twitter. A few girls who are in LDRs (and have met their boyfriends multiple times over the years they've been together) kind of started looking down on those of us who haven't met. They kept saying shit like "it's not a real LDR, you're only just penpals until you meet in person" and I'm like well that's kind of rude to say. Then that same person was like "you shouldn't start a relationship until you meet in person, good God people"

Here's what I have to say to her:

Weren't you in the same position that me and my boyfriend are in? I'm sure you had a crush on a guy  you met online, then waited some time to meet him in person. I forget her story completely, whether she met the guy in person then they were long distance, I'm not sure. But a few of the other LDR accounts who were making fun of us who haven't met yet, are like that. Meaning they met the person first before starting the LDR.

And we haven't had the privilege of meeting yet. So you're basically demeaning our relationship by saying that we're only "penpals"? After all the shit we've gone through? I'm pretty sure our connection is deeper than just people who write each other online once in a while. Just the way they say it, they seem like they're being snobby about the fact that they've met their S/O's multiple times, so they know their bf's better than those of us who haven't met? Sigh. Well, I don't really care about people's opinions on my LDR. I'm in love, and that's that. They can't tell me when I should or shouldn't fall in love with someone.

Anyway, let's recap so far:

June 30th: Went to Rushton's Beach by myself. It's a small, overly crowded beach in Tatamagouche, NS. I managed to find a decent spot to rest that was somewhat away from people. But I still prefer Caribou Island, and I'm going to take James to Caribou rather than Rushton's.

July 1st: Went to the Canada Day fireworks in Pugwash with my mom, my sister, and her boyfriend. Of course my sister and her boyfriend invited two more friends along, who are also a couple, therefore leaving me all like "ugh why isn't my boyfriend here" sad inside. Of course not many people do LDR's these days. So my sister's friends probably would have looked at me weird if I'd told them my boyfriend is in New York right now. And you know, I haven't met him in person yet.

July 5th: Tropical Storm Arthur did quite a bit of damage around NS and the other Maritime provinces. There was a lot of flooding in NB. Here on my property, we lost a few trees and some branches off the bigger trees. One tree lost a huge chunk of it so it now has a bare spot on the top. It's not too bad, but still kind of sad. I think that the wind gusts here were up to 120km/h. That night, it was still really windy, so I took my laptop outside while me and James went on skype so he could hear the wind.

July 7th: Me and James celebrated our nine month anniversary. That's nine months of being apart. And it's a really big accomplishment, that we can be nine months apart and still be this in love. Not many couples could handle being apart for that long. We haven't met in person yet, but he still makes me laugh and smile every time we go on skype, and I don't think we will ever get tired of that any time soon. I just love him to pieces, which is why I am terrified of the next date I'm about to write.

July 10th (tomorrow): James is going back to the passport office to see what the hell is up with his passport.

And I'm terrified.

I know he's nervous and worried about it too. The worst things that could happen are that they could deny it, or tell him he has to apply again for whatever reason. However, I don't think they will deny it, because I am pretty sure if they were going to deny it, they would have already. July 11th is the day that his case is a year old so that's why he waited this long to go back, and we're hoping they'll be able to tell us more about what's going to happen with it. Ugh. I am so nervous.

I don't think we will break up if things go bad. He's told me though, that if things do go really bad and we end up breaking up, then after a while he does end up getting his passport after all, we can get back together. But then I'm like, what would be the point of breaking up, other than causing a lot of heartache for nothing? I know I won't find anyone else for quite some time. I'd still be waiting for James even if we broke up and remained friends.

I just want Thursday to get here already. He has the day off, so the first thing he's going to do is go to the passport office, then run some errands, then come home. But, I will update this blog once we get the results from that day, even if they aren't good, or if we still don't know anything.

I fucking want to meet him this summer so bad. Next month would be ideal. September would be all right. But if we haven't met still by the end of September, then it's not looking too good for us :( and I will be heartbroken and upset if we still haven't met by then.

Why does this have to be so difficult? If he didn't have that case, and had his passport by now, he would have been here in May when we'd originally planned, and would have likely been planning a second trip to here. I'm still pissed that it's been over three months and he still doesn't have his passport. I know they told him that they were waiting until the case is a year old, but it's fucking driving me nuts. I don't want people to think badly of him or second guess his intentions. I know he wants to meet me. It's not his fault their government sucks.

Anyway, I guess all I can do is breathe and wait for what they have to say on Thursday. And pray that it's something good.

June Really Sucked

So...a few things have happened to me this past month that were not good...let's recap.

1) June 4 - The whole shootout thing in Moncton... my sister's boyfriend lives in the area that it happened, and that was locked down, so naturally we were worried about him, but luckily he wasn't home when it happened, but he couldn't get home from where he was. He ended up being stuck at a restaurant just outside the lockdown area for a few hours, which wasn't exactly a safe spot to be, but eventually went to a friend's place in a different town. And I feel so bad for those mounties who were killed and their families, I really hope the asshole who did this gets what he deserves. Life in prison without parole. My dad was a mountie so I know how it is to see your dad go to work everyday and wonder if he'll come home.

2) June 12 - My cousin died tragically in a house fire, I was close friends with her daughter in high school. Our families were close to each other, so that was hard on us. Me and my dad went to a get together for her, but they aren't having a funeral, which was her father's idea. A lot of people were upset about that. I also saw my cousin (her daughter) the other day in town, and was talking to her for a bit. It must be really tough to lose your mother. Especially in a way that could have been avoided. :( A couple days after the tragedy, I went to her trailer to lay down a rose in the memorial they had going. It was harder than I thought it would be to see her trailer and how burned it was.

3) June 19 - I lost my job. A half hour before my shift ended, they called me aside and told me that after 3 months they do an evaluation to see if I'm a good fit for the company or not, and apparently I'm not a good fit. My manager said that it's not that I'm a bad employee, cause I'm not, just that I'm not a good fit in that particular store :/ So that was my last shift, and I had no idea it was coming. But according to my friend who works there, she said that they can fire you when you're on your 3 month probation with no reason or warning. So, basically now I'm jobless yet again, until God knows how long, and I really hope that I can find a job before I go to Massachusetts in the fall. Sigh. Well, at least I have the money saved for when James gets here, so that was one less worry.

So, that's how bad the month of June was for me. The only good thing about it was on the day I got fired, there was a nice thunder and lightning storm that lasted about a half hour. And after that storm, there was a huge double rainbow. I can post photos on here.

Storm clouds.

Double rainbow. Couldn't get the whole thing in one photo.

Of course, I only wished that James was here to watch it with me. Sigh.

And that's another thing I'm worried about...James. What's going to happen with his passport next month when he goes back in? Are they going to tell him that it got denied? That he has to apply for it over again? Or that he has to wait another 6 - 8 weeks until it arrives? Or will we get actual good news for once, and that it will be ready in 3 weeks since he did originally apply for the 3 weeks one. Ugh. It's frustrating, not knowing. All he wants is a damn passport to come to Canada for a week and they're jerking him around. 

I'm scared that if things go bad with his passport, what'll happen with our relationship? Will we just give up and break up? He's told me that he said if things go bad with his passport and he won't be able to get it for a while yet, that I should just break up with him because he's not worthy of me. I've thought about breaking up with him too if things go bad with his passport, but the thought of never getting to meet him kills me now. I'm depressed now, but if things go bad with his passport and we do end up breaking up I'll be even worse. I don't know. I really want this relationship to work and seeing him on skype last night made me even more desperate to be with him. I'm just really scared that things will go bad next month and we'll end up breaking up :'(

He's told me he doesn't want to lose me, but that if he can't see me this summer, that he's not worthy of me. He said he does want to come here first, so that my family can trust him and trust that he is who he says he is. So that when I go there, it won't be a big worry for them since they will know him. I've thought about going there too if things go bad, but I do know my mom wouldn't let me at all. She'd probably think that he sounds sketchy if he can't come here. I'm like, I'm 25 mom, even kids younger than me travel anywhere they want to, by themselves. At least I've been talking to this guy for almost 9 months now so it's not like I just up and ran off to meet a stranger. And I know he's not a scammer.

In a book I read recently, Just One Day, the girl is 19 I think? And after she has that one day with the guy in Paris, she can't shake the feeling of him. So a year later she decides to look for him, and her parents let her (although reluctantly) go to Paris completely alone, to find this guy she only knew for one day because it's "true love". I know that is ridiculous and probably no parents in their right mind in the real world would let their daughter do that. At least, not their teenage daughter. If she was my age, they would probably let her. But anyway.

I think there's a glitch on blogger or something because as I was writing this, every so often it would randomly go back to the blogger dashboard. Luckily it has auto save or I'd be really pissed, but it's still annoying. I didn't click on any buttons or anything, at least I didn't notice. I don't know.

But I really hope this relationship works out, because I desperately want to meet James. I'm praying for good news next month. I think he's going back to the passport office maybe next week or the week after. And whatever news they give us could end up either destroying what's left of my life or making me very happy. I'm so scared... :(

LDR Depression

Being depressed without your LDR partner there with you is hard. It's like, you think about all the times you could be having if they were here...but they're not.

For me it's harder. I have friends who never want to hang out. So when I'm not at work, I'm at home alone a lot. I barely get out when I'm not talking to James. All I keep thinking about is all the nice summer days that are going by, and I'm not with him out doing fun things. These days are very difficult.

Hopefully next month, his passport should be here. They are waiting for his case to be closed for a year before starting to get it ready. And his case was closed in July of last year. So, that means they should be starting to get his passport ready next month. And with that, he should be here in August. I really hope that happens. If we haven't met by the end of August, there's something wrong :( I am being cautious about this. I mean I love him and I know he's not a scammer. I just don't want to keep waiting and waiting and getting hurt when he doesn't show up. I know he wants to meet me though, so it's not that he doesn't want to meet me.

I don't want to be like those girls on Dr. Phil who keep waiting and each time they try to meet their "lover", there's some excuse as to why their "lover" can't meet them, because they're a scammer and they obviously don't want to meet them. I dont' want it to go on forever like that. We've been together over 8 months now, and I really want this to work. I have a fantasy all played out in my mind, and I hope that it'll come true with him.

But, me and James have waited 8+ months already, what's another two months? That feels like nothing to us. Most local couples can't go a few days without seeing each other, and I'm sure if me and James lived in the same town, it would be the same thing for us.

Now he's in Massachusetts until Sunday, and I have no idea when he'll be online tonight. He was online briefly this morning, for about an hour before he left (around 11am my time, 10am his time). It takes between 4 - 6 hours to get there, depending on traffic and weather (apparently it was raining off and on there). So, they would have got there between 2 - 4 pm his time. It is now 5:30 his time, and he hasn't been on yet. And I'm starting to get annoyed. And when that happens, it usually leads to me being pissed off at him for being late.

I get that he's probably spending time with his family, but I mean, if that were me, the first thing I'd do once I got there would be to get on my laptop and let him know that I made it and that I'd be going out with my family soon but I'll be back later. It's not that hard, right? At least then it would stop him from worrying all night about me. I just wish he would have thought to do the same, but apparently he didn't. He didn't even tell me what he would be doing once he got there. He just said, "I'll be on when I can". That doesn't give me anything to go by, all I'm going to do is sit here and worry and be pissed if he doesn't come on until too late tonight. Late meaning 10pm my time or later.

It just pisses me off that guys can do that. Go on to have fun and not even think to let us know they're ok, or what they're doing. Meanwhile we're sitting here worrying the fuck out of ourselves and then they wonder why we're pissed when they don't get on until way later than they should have.

Well, they are probably out having supper now, maybe he'll come on after he gets back from that, or after he's done eating. I hope so. I hate all this waiting around, and he should know by now that it just makes me pissed off even more :/

Online Relationships VS Local Relationships

So, again I've been seeing people making comments like "if you haven't met in person then you're not really dating" or "online dating never works, you should only meet the guy in person first like at a grocery store or a bar" or "I married my high school sweetheart so I never had to date online". Well, perhaps that worked for you, but it doesn't work for everyone. I've already written a few posts about this topic of catfish and online scammers but here's another one cause it pisses me off when people are idiots and completely dismiss online dating because they think everyone on the internet is fake, or they met their husband/wife in person so they are high and mighty above online dating.

I've had five boyfriends. The first one I met through a friend, and of course we started talking online. The rest I met on a dating site, then met in person. Of course I'd start messaging guys, then they'd stop messaging if they lost interest, or if the guy seemed suspicious I wouldn't answer them. I'm pretty smart when it comes to online dating. I'm just not a social person and won't strike up a conversation with a random guy at a grocery store, or especially not at the bar.

Besides, people can lie to you in person just as easily as they can online. There's been stories where people have been married/in a relationship for years only to find out their spouse was cheating on them or lying about other things such as money. Say you meet a guy at work, or college and start talking to him. You end up falling for him, getting together with him. You're dating for two years and suddenly find out that he's had girls on the side the whole time you've been together. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. It's no different online. Just because you met your boyfriend/husband in person doesn't somehow make you better or give you the right to look down your nose at those of us who meet people online.

Then there are the cases of say, married guys who meet girls at bars, they can easily take their wedding rings off and lie about being married. I'm sure there's real, normal people at bars too. But again it's just as risky as online dating. Or you could meet someone at the bar and he could end up taking you home and trying to rape/murder you. I've had a guy who was wasted, he danced with me for a few seconds, then found me again later and grab me and try to pull me out of the club, but I saved myself by pushing him away and then running to my friend. My friend assumed that the guy was my other friend I was with (who had disappeared into the crowd at this point), plus he was drunk too so that's why he didn't help me. But anyway. It's just as dangerous in person as it is online. If I had let that guy get away with it, I could be dead or at least suffering from post-traumatic stress from the rape and never trust guys again.

Yes, it is easier to cheat if you're in an online long distance relationship. The other person could have no idea you're going around banging girls/guys who live near you. And they probably wouldn't ever find out, at least in some cases. It's exactly the same thing though. If you meet a real guy (like I have) online and live too far apart to meet right away, go on skype to make sure he's real. I've been talking to mine on skype for the over seven months we've been together. It's pretty much like hanging out in person.

Sure, chances are that he could be lying about wanting to meet me, then when I wonder why his passport isn't coming he'll just keep saying it's been delayed again. I am aware of all of these things, and I'm also preparing for what if this ends up not working out because something goes wrong with his passport? I've watched enough scammer shows, and if this doesn't end up working out I will be quite upset. But again, it's just like if any other local relationship doesn't work out. You'll cry for a while, then eventually forget about them and move on.

So before you go and insult or make fun of those of us who are dating online, think about this: how often do you meet someone who is willing to go through all this stress, all this waiting, all this travelling and money just to be with you? I haven't met mine in person yet, but I know I will soon, and if he wasn't willing he wouldn't have started this in the first place, just like if I wasn't willing. Besides, what about all those other couples who have met online, and are now married or at least still together, despite the distance?? Just because your online dating didn't work out for you, or you met your partner in person, doesn't make you better than those of us who have not met our online boyfriends yet. I didn't even meet James on a dating site, I met him on a photography site. And I was not out looking for a relationship at the time, and neither was he.

Sorry for the rant, but closed-minded people like that bother me. I know James will be here soon, but I have a plan: if worse comes to worse and he has not come here by August, then I will know that this is not going to work out. I won't let it go on for years without meeting him, that's just ridiculous when girls do that. No matter how many "legit" excuses a guy can come up with for not meeting you, if he really wants to meet you in person he will get his ass to you. Me and James are having this issue with his passport taking longer than we thought it would, but with any luck it should be here this week or next week. But if this keeps going on, meaning I still haven't met him by August due to multiple excuses on his part, like I said I think I would end things with him unfortunately. It breaks my heart to think about that, but I would get over it and move on.

I really do hope things work out for the better for us, and once he gets his passport we can finally move forward with a new meeting date. This waiting is really hard, and it's torture. I just can't wait for the day when he comes online and tells me that he got his passport. It'll be a huge weight off our shoulders. I know I will probably cry, lol.

Anyway, that's all for today. Hopefully the next time I post will be with good news.

Anticipation

The anticipation of waiting for his passport is killing me. Another week passed without anything. I'm also scared that there's a chance that for some reason he might not get it. I don't think that would happen, I think if he wasn't going to get it they would have told him that the last time he went there which was almost two weeks ago. They wouldn't screw around with him this long if he wasn't going to get it at all. It's just taking longer than we thought it would.

It's been 10 days since May 7, the day he was originally supposed to be here. That's kinda crazy the time went that fast. I just hope his passport comes this coming week, or the last week of May and that they don't delay us that much longer. But like I've said, all we can do is go about our normal lives and see what happens.

I really want this to work. I care about him a lot. I want him to be who he says he is and I want the fantasy I have with him to be real. But I won't give up hope yet. There's still 2 more weeks of May left. He's told me that if he doesn't get his passport by then, that I should dump him since it's not fair to make me wait this long. Well, I've told him that I will give him until the end of August. If we have not met in person by then, and he keeps making excuses not to meet (as in something seems to come up every time we try) then something is wrong there and I'll probably have to end it.

I don't want it to come to that. But, at least it's better than some girls who fell for catfish online..they let this go on for years and let the guy make excuse after excuse not to meet. I don't think James is a catfish but if for some reason we can't meet at all I will be very suspicious. I've seen him on skype obviously, so he's definitely the same as he is in his photos. And it's not like the image of him on skype is blurry all the time, so I know it is him. Just that he could be lying about meeting me to make me feel good, and then he could even be lying about even applying for his passport and then when I wonder why it's not coming, he could just tell me it'll be another 2 - 3 weeks.

I saw a girl who was caught up with a catfish for 5 years, and the person never met them because there was always some kind of extreme (or not so extreme but lame excuses not to meet) drama. Some of the excuses were "broke my finger and am on pain meds", "my sister/family member got in an accident", "I don't want you to see me weak and sick", "my migraine turned into a brain tumour" and it just goes on with constant drama. Yes, James did have a death in his family but it wasn't an excuse not to meet. It was an unfortunate life event.

But if he does get his passport, we make a date and then something else comes up yet again, and then again, I'll just be like yeah I can't let this go on. Or if he tells me that he can't get his passport because of his legal case, that'll raise a red flag. Pretty sure people with worse legal issues get passports. I just don't know if it really takes that much longer to process if there's a legal issue.

Well, I have to think of it this way: if he's meant to be, he will be here. If God wants me to meet him, then James will be here. If shit keeps coming up that he can't meet me, then this probably won't work out and it was another learning experience even though it will suck and hurt that I never even got to feel his arms around me. All I can do is pray for good things to happen soon, that he soon gets his passport and we can make another date.

He did apply for the 3 weeks one, and that was on or around March 20th. Obviously the passport office is only open on business days, so they don't count weekends as part of the "week". It's been 39 days, not counting weekends and holidays. We have to think of the short weeks that we've had as well. So technically it's only been 5 and a half weeks since he applied for it since they don't do any work on it on the weekends or holidays, like I said. When I think of it that way, it doesn't seem that strange.

If he had've gotten it 3 weeks later, he likely would have got it around April 20th ish (again not counting weekends or holidays). Which makes sense, because that's around when we were expecting it to come. But when he went to the office around that time and they told him it would be another 2 - 3 weeks or so, we were upset. If that were true, he would have gotten it this week. Then he went to the office again almost two weeks ago (counting weekends), and they said it would be another 2 - 3 weeks. So yes, it definitely should be here soon if the passport people are right. Next week or at the very latest, the week after.

Part of the reason we wanted to wait 7 months is because we wanted to see if our relationship could endure that much time apart, and so far we've passed with flying colours. Sure we've had a few thoughts of breaking up, only because he felt like he wasn't worthy of me when his passport didn't come on time. And I felt like, well what if he's not really who he says he is and doesn't really want to meet me? Plus I was feeling insecure and like he should meet a girl there who he doesn't have to go through all this trouble for. But we're overcoming the rough patches. Another reason we wanted to wait is because I thought I gave him enough time to get his passport together and move.

He does regret not applying for his passport earlier. He said he feels stupid for not doing that. I'm not sure why he didn't, but I guess he thought he had more time and didn't realize his legal case would give him trouble. But still. We both did think he had more time. But, now we're here, and with any luck it will be here this coming week or the week after. It's just a matter of when.

Yeah I know, a lot of worrying. But that happens a lot in LDRs. I just really hope that soon I'll have some good news to post.

Trouble Communicating Via Skype...

Has anyone ever had trouble communicating as much as me and James do?

I haven't seen him on skype since Sunday. He worked closing on Monday, then skype wouldn't work Tuesday, then he worked close on Wednesday, and now of course skype won't fucking let any calls go through. It just keeps saying "no answer" when I tried to call him, and he said it did the same when he tried to call me. I did updates on my computer today, and since then it has been acting funny. I was fighting with the internet for a while until I finally got it to work again, and then this stupid shit with skype. And of course, guess what, James works closing again tomorrow, while I work in the morning, so I won't get another chance to try until Saturday night after I'm off work :'(

That makes 6 days without seeing each other even on cam, and I miss him so much :( It's pissing me off too. I mean, what's an LDR if you can't even see each other on cam? I know it pisses him off. I guess the only thing we can do is try to find some other video chat site, but there are barely any good ones out there that I want to use. I think it's because he has Windows 7 and I have Windows 8 therefore communication between the two is not as good as it would be if we both had Windows 8 since the programs are slightly different now. That's my theory, since anyone else I talk to on there has Windows 8 and skype works fine. Plus James' crappy internet connection doesn't help either, his is worse than mine sometimes.

Anyway, it's really pissing me off. I was so looking forward to seeing him and then...of course, I can't. I miss him so much. I just want to see his smile again but of course shit fucks up and I can't. I think this is probably the longest since we've started doing this, that we've gone without seeing each other on cam. Well, like I said, I can't try again until Saturday, and hope he doesn't get too many closing days again next week. I'm going to try looking into other video chat programs though, maybe browser based ones would work better.

Well I have to sleep now, I'm working early and I'm tired and still feeling sick from the period cramps attack I had on Wednesday at work. It was very painful and I'm still taking a beating from it. So I'm going to rest now and at least I'll get a note from him tomorrow and get to talk to him while I'm on my break at work.

I just need to see him in person like really soon, I really hope he gets his passport this month so I can see him next month. I hate being in limbo, unable to move forward because we're waiting on something. Sigh. We could use some good news soon :(

Late Night Musings

Even though me and James were both still bummed about his passport, we're still together and don't have any plans of breaking up. We're just ready to see each other now, and so long as the passport people are right and it comes next week or the week after, I will be able to see him in June :D

James said he'll probably go back to the passport office next week to get another update. In the meantime all we can do is cross our fingers and hope for some good news or that it comes soon. But like I said, the plan is still the same: once he has his passport in hand, he'll put in his 2 week notice at work, then move, and then come and see me. We don't have a date yet, but it's just a matter of when he'll get his passport.

I'm sure other LDR relationships have had this problem. When you're looking forward to a date and then it doesn't happen because of life situations. I know that when my sister dated a guy she met in college, after she came back here they were LDR and at first things were fine, but after a while it got so that he just kinda gave up on making dates with her and would always have some excuse as to why he couldn't make it. I'm just worried about the same thing happening with me and James: if he keeps thinking of excuses not to come.

I told him that if it comes down to it, I'll go there to meet him if I have to. He said he really wants to come here first and meet my parents so they can trust that I'll be in good hands once I do go down there. I'm sure me going there would be a last resort, but he'd do it. I might have to drag my mom along though lol. And pay for her ticket and passport too :/

I mean, it does make sense that he wants to meet my parents and family to assure them that he's real and not some stalker out to hurt me or some scammer just brainwashing me. I'm going to start getting suspicious if his passport doesn't get here soon, or if he goes back there next week and they tell him it'll be another 2 - 3 weeks. That'll send a red flag to me.

I'm not stupid. If this were a bad case scenario, and he were a scammer, just because he says he wants to meet me, doesn't mean he'll actually do it, that's if he had intentions of hurting me. I'm aware that he could be lying to me about everything. And it would really hurt my feelings (and ego) if he was. But I highly doubt he's lying or brainwashing me. I think his intentions are true and nothing about him has sent red flags so far.

I just can't wait to start posting photos of us together, because I know that some people probably still doubt us or think we're crazy. Or they probably think I'm being scammed since you know, every person on the internet that isn't already your friend in person, is a scammer according to some people. But once James is here and I prove them all wrong, it'll be amazing. I've already had some people tell me that it's starting to sound suspicious. So, yeah, it'll be nice once James is really here, then they'll feel like idiots for doubting me.

I do know that once I can post about him getting his passport, it'll be the best post of my life. I can't wait for that day, and I can't wait until he shows it to me on cam. But like I said, until then all we can do is just go about our normal lives and wait eagerly for the day that we can announce a new meeting date.

So I think that's all for now, I'm probably going to sleep soon.

Bad News

James went to the passport office on Tuesday. He said that they told him another 2 - 3 weeks. Of course. So, it could be mid-June before he's here. But he said in another 2 weeks he'll go back to the office for another update, if he hasn't got it by then. Sigh. I didn't think a small legal case that was closed over a year ago (he didn't do anything illegal, it's just he was accused of something he didn't do) would give us this much trouble with a passport. But, I'll wait.

However, I'm not going to wait all summer. In a worst case scenario, if I haven't met him by the end of August, I'm not sure if things will work out, plus it'll send up a red flag to me. I know he wants to meet me. I just don't want things to keep getting "delayed". It'll make it feel like he doesn't want to meet me after all. I also don't want to keep getting my hopes up of having him visit "soon", only to keep having some excuse as to why he's delayed yet again. You can understand how that would get frustrating.

I can understand the first few times. So, something went wrong with his passport. We'll just wait as we have been doing for the past 7+ months. Now it's only a matter of when he gets his passport, he'll put in his 2 week notice at work, then move, then come and see me. The plan is still the same, it's just a matter of when.

Also, I don't want people to judge us, and tell me that "this is getting suspicious" or "he's not coming, he's just leading you on" etc. I've already had a couple of my friends tell me that this is sounding suspicious. I told them I know what I'm doing. I'm not going into this stupidly. If this is a red flag, I will have to end the relationship. But like I said, I'll give him a few months, and if we haven't met by then, well...yeah. That's not good.

We took this news better this time than we did last time. I guess because we prepared ourselves for it, as in we talked to each other and reassured each other that we weren't going to let this break us up. Last time we got all depressed, and he suddenly doubted himself and told me he didn't want me to wait for him, etc. This time, we're just going on as normal even though we are both sad.

Since, originally, he was supposed to be here yesterday, I keep thinking about what we could be doing if he had been able to make it on time. It does make me a little sad, but I will just look forward to doing those things with him in (hopefully) the near future.

Soon We Will Know...

Well, James is heading out to the passport place earlier than expected today, due to his allergies being bad. He told me that he feels awful but going to the office is worth it for me. I love when he says things like that. I'm a sap, but I love romance.

I'm getting nervous, I won't hear the news until I'm on break at work. I just can't think too much about it or it'll freak me out. I'm just scared that he'll come on and tell me "they said I have to wait another 3 weeks". Even though they said that last time he went, and that was two weeks ago. Ugh. It's driving me nuts, but soon we'll know. I'm praying for good news, but expecting bad. I just don't want to get my hopes up and then be crushed with disappointment like I was last time. Even though I will still be disappointed and depressed if his passport is delayed even more. I just really want things to work out, and I want to meet him. I know he wants to meet me too.

Anyway, I'm leaving for work in a little over an hour. At least it'll keep me busy rather than me being here twiddling my thumbs in anticipation. And I'm still coughing from a cold that I got a week and 2 days ago. It feels like it won't go away. So I guess in a way it's good that he's not coming tomorrow as we had originally planned. I would still be coughing and not feeling like myself.

I'm guessing he's probably at the passport office now, this is when I really wish we had texting so he could just text me and then tell me rather than me having to wait. But, either way I'll know in less than 5 hours.

I just really hope it's good news :(

Nervous...

I'm really nervous about Tuesday, when James goes in to check on his passport. He told me that if they're going to make him wait a lot longer, then he feels bad about failing me and he doesn't want to make me wait. In other words, this relationship could end if we get bad news again.

It's not that he doesn't want to be with me. It's that he doesn't want to fail me and he hates people waiting on him. He also feels bad that he should have applied for it sooner, then we could have been getting ready to see each other now. I think that he doesn't want to make me wait for him, so that I can move on and find someone here if things don't work out with me and him. I can't really see me doing that, or at least moving on, for a long time.

I don't want to give up. I want to meet him. I want to start my life with him. I'm really worried that if we get more bad news on Tuesday, it'll bring him down a lot, make him depressed, and we'll end up fighting for a few days again as we try to decide on our relationship future from there on. Or, the worst should happen and we'll just break up. We're both stressing out, worried, anxious. Even though when James went there 2 weeks ago, and they told him it should be ready in about 3 weeks, he said he doesn't trust them. Something else could come up that'll screw us over even more.

Tuesday can't come soon enough. I'll know the news on Tuesday, on my break at work since he has Tuesday off and can just talk to me on Facebook on my phone while I'm at work. I'll be so anxious the first half of my day at work, and then if we get bad news, I'll be depressed for the last few hours. We're both praying really hard that something good happens, because we really want to meet each other. He said that when he goes to church tomorrow he'll be thinking/praying about it. I will be too, even though I don't go to church (I am religious though).

I'll leave it in God's hands now. If God wants us to meet, then we will meet. If it's not meant to be, then that'll be very, very disappointing and upsetting but another thing to heal from and learn from. No matter how hard I wish and pray for good news, I can't change it if the news is bad. It's going to drive me crazy until then. I just hope the next few days goes by fast.

Wednesday is mine and James' 7 month anniversary. We'll either be celebrating with happy news, or fighting/breaking up with bad news. Tuesday is going to be a very emotional day either way, and I'm glad that I have Wednesday off work to cope with bad news (if it's that) from Tuesday.

This is when I wish I could fast forward to the future, because I'm too anxious to sit here and wait. But I'll try not to dwell on it and just keep going as normal as I have been.

Please God, let there be good news on Tuesday and his passport will be ready soon. I really want to meet him. I want to start my life with him and I want him to be mine. I want this LDR to work badly, and now it all comes down to this one day.

I just hate that I could be losing out on the best thing that's ever happened to me, all because of a stupid passport. Ugh, it's driving me nuts.

The Little Things

Being in an LDR really makes one appreciate the little things. Like today, James called me beautiful and I had a stupid grin on my face. And earlier today, he said that he's going to marry me, and I'm going to be his wife, of course that almost made me cry. I know it's too soon to talk about that since we haven't met yet, but I know we both agree that we are soulmates. And of course, I wouldn't accept a true proposal online. He'd have to propose to me in person, and he's told me that he wants to do it in New York. I just think that proposing online is not romantic or true. That's why I don't get those women who fall for scammers when they propose online.

I know a lot of local relationships take each other for granted, including the time they spend together. Like, take my former best friend for example. He gets to be with his girlfriend everyday. He literally has time for no one else. Most girls who are in local relationships, especially those in relationships for a long time, start to just kind of brush it off when their guy gives them compliments or does sweet things for them. It's like "oh he gave me flowers again, it's sweet but why doesn't he do something different for once?" where with me, no guy has ever given me flowers. And I've had decently long relationships. My longest being 1.5 years, the shortest being 1 month. Most of them lasted around 8 months to 1 year on average.

James says he'll get me flowers, and if he does he'll be the first. And of course I'll probably cry. I often joked to my family "the guy who gets me flowers will be the one" and now I think that'll come true :P No matter how many flowers he gets me, I'll love it because it's from him, and from the heart, because someone finally listened to what I really want. I've also never had a guy randomly surprise me with cute things, like while going shopping "oh I think Alicia will like that". I've done that for them, but they never did it for me, at least not often. I don't expect much, just cute surprises here and there. Also, the worst was, I was always the one initiating the plans. It was never them offering to go out, always me. James says he's spontaneously romantic and I like that.

He hasn't sent me anything in the mail yet, but he will once he moves. Then again, hopefully by the time he moves, he has his passport so he can just come and see me anyway. But after that, we'll start sending each other things. He told me that once he gets a car, he'll just say "I'm coming to see you" and then we'll plan a couple weeks ahead. So, that'll be nice.

I really hope that we get word on his passport soon. He is going back to the passport place this coming Tuesday so we'll hopefully know more by then. And then, Wednesday is our 7 month anniversary, which will be bittersweet for both of us because on the one hand, it's amazing we've survived 7 months long distance. On the other hand, it's sad because he should have been here if his passport had come on time :( And, it sucks even worse, because he works night and since he started at a new department at work, he can't call out for the first 2 weeks :( So I won't even get to see him on cam for our anniversary and I'll be alone that night to mope about him not being here since I don't work on Wednesday :( He was upset about it when he told me, and he said that he could try to get someone in his new department to switch with him. But I don't know if that'll happen. But, if we get some good news on Tuesday from the passport place, it shouldn't be so much of a downer to spend our anniversary alone. I'll just be thinking about the future trip.

Anyway, I'm about to pass out now so I'm heading off to bed, but this was just a little blurb about how being in an LDR makes a person appreciate the little things someone does for them/says to them.

Being in an LDR

When people say "so you can't find anyone in your town, lol no one in your town likes you?" here's what you tell them:

"Being in an LDR doesn't mean that I am weak and that no one likes me. It means that I am pretty damn special to someone. He cares about me enough that he's willing to overcome all obstacles to be with me."

We connected simply through sending messages, chatting and eventually seeing each other on skype. It's pretty much like hanging out in a real world relationship, only we have a more serious and special connection. We have to be so patient, trusting, honest, open with literally everything. We are 1400kms apart, we live in different countries and are from different cultures. Yet, our souls are connected in such a way that it feels like he is here with me all the time.

So, no one likes me, huh?

I'm feeling melancholy. Missing James a lot tonight since he works night shift. But at least he's calling out of work tomorrow so that I'll get to talk to him in the morning before I go to work, and also he'll rest from all the drama and emotions he's been going through with his cousin's death and everything.

I'm really looking forward to the day that he tells me he got his passport so we can finally move forward and set a new date and begin planning things again. Just that now we're still stuck, and it's kinda frustrating.

Sorry for the short entry, I might write better tomorrow.

If Only...

If only things had gone according to plan, we would have been meeting in person next Wednesday :( but of course, things had to get fucked up with his passport, and well here we are, still in limbo with no date and he's still unsure about when he's moving.

We're still good though, I mean, in our relationship. He's in Pennsylvania right now, sadly for his cousin's funeral which is tomorrow. Him and his dad got a hotel room there, and they'll head back to New York right after the funeral tomorrow. But I'll still get to talk to him tonight. And then on Wednesday, James said he'll call the passport people for another update. After that, he'll make a decision on moving. I just have to be patient and know the wait will be worth it.

Even though we don't have a date, I am excited to do things with him. He agrees that he should be able to make it late May or early June, and he said he is dying to see me. So I know he's as excited to meet me as I am to meet him. I think that after all this waiting and hard times we went through, even after being hurt in the past, we deserve it, and we deserve to be happy with each other.

As of now I'm still waiting for him to get back from the wake that was tonight. I'm not sure what time it was over, or if he was going out with his family afterwards. It's starting to get a little late now and I'm getting worried, wondering where he is. I hate that. If we had texting I could just send him a message and be like hey what's up. Instead I have to wait until he's online. Most relationships couldn't do that. They have to know exactly what their boyfriend/partner is doing 24/7. I'm usually like that to be honest, but I've learned in this relationship to not scrutinize everything he does or demand all the details. Even if sometimes I get upset if he's late or whatever, that's natural. But I still don't demand or assume that he's seeing other girls. He does tell me what he's doing, like he gave me a run down of what was going to happen while he's there in Pennsylvania, but he didn't tell me every detail. I just wish I could have known what time he'd be back tonight so I'm not sitting here worrying :(

I think it's even worse with local relationships, because you're up in each other's business all the time, annoying the crap out of each other, wanting to know exactly where they're at and what they're doing all the time. I was like that with my ex's I'll admit. I think it's part of what drove them away from me. But with James, it's odd because he lives in a different country and I trust him 100%. I don't demand to know where he was when he gets home, although I did that at first, but now I'm getting used to his schedule and whatnot, and I only get upset if he's a couple hours late. That's reasonable I guess.

So, like I said, now the plan is to wait until he gets a hold of the passport place this week and see what they have to say, then this week he'll make a decision about moving. Once that gets into place, he'll put in his 2 week notice at work, then prepare to move to Massachusetts two weeks after that. And, depending on if he gets his passport before he leaves New York or not, he'll wait about a week or so after moving before coming up to see me. So, with that being said, he should get here by early June at the latest. Depending of if we get another delay with his passport or not. I just hate being so uncertain all the time and not being able to tell people when I'll be meeting my boyfriend. I just hope it'll get resolved in the next couple of weeks and then we'll have a countdown once again.

Back to Normal

So, things are back to normal between us, and I'm so glad. For a while there things were pretty unstable, we were fighting and he was feeling bad about the relationship. I wasn't sure what was going to happen, and it scared me. I was scared that after all of this, it was going to end and I'd have to face the people who would laugh at me and say "told you so" plus we'd wonder "what if" and then if he got his passport we'd feel stupid for breaking up. I would also be broken without him. The thought of losing him was crushing me. I didn't want it to come to that. The thought of never being able to meet was killing me inside.

We managed to talk it out and get over our issues. I mean, we've only been together for 6.5 months and the first year of a relationship is all about getting to know each other, good and bad, and working out the kinks. At least, it's been true for me. And around 6 months is when each other's true selves start really coming out, and it's a matter of if you can handle the good and bad of this person or not. I think so far, James and I can handle each other's bad sides.

He also had a death in his family the other day. His close cousin. The wake is on Monday and the funeral is on Tuesday, so him and his dad will be going to Pennsylvania (where his cousin lived) on Monday and staying the night there until Tuesday. They'll probably head back shortly after the funeral. James said it's a 3 hour drive. I assume they'll probably stay with his aunt (the one who lost her son). But he did say he'll bring his laptop with him so that he can talk to me for a bit, probably at night. So it's not like he'll just go to Pennsylvania and I won't hear from him for a couple of days.

Last night when we went on skype, he was back to his normal self, joking around with me as usual. So I'm glad that things are ok between us again and now we just have to wait until he figures out when he's going to move so that will be one step closer.

Tonight I'm going to Halifax to go to the Mic Mac Mall and then hopefully meet up with my friend later to go to a club for a couple of hours. I'll probably drive home tonight. I'll talk to James on facebook while I'm gone, but won't be able to see him on skype tonight :( and the weather is kind of gloomy right now, which really sucks. I prefer to go out and do things like this when the weather is sunny (and warm). But oh well, I guess it gives me something to do. But, I work tomorrow and it's supposed to be nice, of course, or else I would go tomorrow in the nicer weather instead :/

Anyway, I'm going to start getting ready to leave now.

Stuck in Limbo

So, I kinda gave up on those challenges. Oh well. I'm kind of disappointed again because James went to the passport place today with his papers from the case and he said that they told him if all goes well he'll get it in 3 weeks. Well, that's not too bad I guess. Three weeks from now will be the week of May 14th. If he moves soon, he'll still have time to come see me around the end of May. He said that next week he'll go back and follow up on the passport again, and then he'll make a decision about moving. So at the very latest, he could be here at the beginning of June. Depending if all goes well with his passport and moving.

I just hate being stuck in this limbo. We can't move forward until he figures out what to do with his moving thing. So right now, it's still uncertain when we will meet, but hopefully after next week he'll finally have a decision about moving and that'll be at least one step forward. At least if he moves first, then gets his passport, he'll have moving over with and he can just get ready to come and see me once he gets the passport.

So, that's our situation right now. Still stuck, slowly trudging forward. Hoping that something good will happen soon and that I'll only have another week of waiting before he makes the next step. We're in better moods now and once he gets his passport, we'll be even more excited. Right now it's hard for me to believe that he'll actually be here, but I just have to have faith that things will work out in the end.

Anyway, that was a quick update but I'm going to sleep now. I might write more tomorrow.

30 Day Challenge Day 14

What you wore today:

Along with black jeans, nothing too exciting.

How Do You Cheer Your Boyfriend Up?

I'm asking for help from you guys on this one, because I don't know what to do.

Especially since yesterday, but mostly since he heard about the passport issue, he hasn't been himself. Yesterday we both felt like we were dead and didn't feel passion anymore. He said that he felt that he has no purpose anymore, that he's a failure and he let me down.

I don't know if it's just because of the passport issue, or something deeper. I don't want to break up with him, and I know he doesn't want to break up with me. I think that the passport thing hit both of us hard, so now we're all messed up and emotional because we no longer have a countdown, at least until he gets his passport and we can finally make a new date. We were fine before this. But We were both getting excited to meet each other and then this happened. So now we don't have a date and that's a huge blow to both of us.

And I think that's mostly the problem. He feels that he let me down, that I won't want to be with him or wait much longer for his passport to come, so he's all preparing himself for me to break up with him. I've told him that I won't, but I think he's being too hard on himself. I really, really have to meet him. I mean, I don't want us to have come all this way, just to quit when something goes bad. What if I broke up with him this week, and his passport were to come next week? I'd feel stupid and we would both regret it. Plus it wouldn't be the same.

I'm not considering breaking up with him. I really love him, and I was really looking forward to meeting him on May 7th, but now that this setback happened, we were both really let down. He said seeing me on skype cheered him up a bit last night, but he's still not 100% and today for the brief time I talked to him before he left to go with his dad, he said that he feels worse now. I'm really worried about him and I want things to go back to normal. He said he might feel better once he gets out in the cold air for a while, so I hope that he does. I wrote him a note so he can read it while I'm at work, so he'll hopefully feel better from that too. Sigh.

Well, I have to finish getting ready for work. I'll be talking to him again at break and I hope he's somewhat back to his normal self. I hate seeing him this way :(

30 Day Challenge Day 13

Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it:

I am fine with my body, on a scale of 1 - 10 I'm about 8% comfortable with it. Only a couple of things still bother me slightly, but nothing I would go to drastic measures to fix. I think that I have a decent body. No guy I've had sex with has said anything negative about it so far. I don't have a flat stomach, but that's fine. I'll go out in a bikini or tankini with no problems.

I used to really hate my body, and hate my looks and think that I was unattractive. But it's only been this past year that I've started to get more comfortable with how I look and realize maybe I am attractive after all. So, to girls who think that they hate everything about themselves and want to take drastic measures to change, just wait until you're in your 20s. I promise, everything gets better as you get older.

Here's how I look now:

30 Day Challenge Day 12

Five guys whom you find attractive:

1) My boyfriend, of course :3
2) Pierre Bouvier of Simple Plan
3) Leonardo DiCaprio
4) Johnny Depp (mostly when he's playing Captain Jack Sparrow)
5) Paul Walker (RIP)

30 Day Challenge Day 11

Your family:

My family is all still together. My mom's name is Cathy, my dad's name is Jeff, and I only have a younger sister named Brittany. She's two years younger than me. My parents are one month apart in age, and my mom is older than my dad. Right now my mom's 53 and my dad is 52 but my dad will be 53 next month.

We also have seven pets: Three horses, three cats and a goat. One of the horses is being leased to someone, and the horse's name is Raine. Our other horse, Pepsi, is being boarded for a couple of months. The pony, Pixie, is still here. The goat, Gulliver, just kinda wanders around the yard but he never goes anywhere. Well, we did have a couple incidences but nothing's happened since then.

Then we have the three cats. Peter and James are brothers from the same litter. My sister pretty much raised them since they were babies, born in a barn where she took riding lessons. Peter came first, in that he was the planned kitten, and my sister picked him from the beginning. Then one day a few days later my mom went to the barn with my sister, and James started following mom around everywhere. James was the last one of the litter left, so my mom couldn't resist and brought him home as well.

Pumpkin is the 16 year old cat, and she's getting old and skinny so we think she doesn't have too much time left. But she's orange, and she was found back in 1999 when we moved to the other place. One day we were outside getting ready to leave, and suddenly a black, multi-coloured kitten came up to the deck and started rubbing against my legs. Then an orange head (Pumpkin) popped up from the bushes in front of our house. So we kept them, and named them Pumpkin and Evening. Unfortunately, Evening died 4 years later when he got hit by a car :(

So, that is my current family.