Nervous...

I'm really nervous about Tuesday, when James goes in to check on his passport. He told me that if they're going to make him wait a lot longer, then he feels bad about failing me and he doesn't want to make me wait. In other words, this relationship could end if we get bad news again.

It's not that he doesn't want to be with me. It's that he doesn't want to fail me and he hates people waiting on him. He also feels bad that he should have applied for it sooner, then we could have been getting ready to see each other now. I think that he doesn't want to make me wait for him, so that I can move on and find someone here if things don't work out with me and him. I can't really see me doing that, or at least moving on, for a long time.

I don't want to give up. I want to meet him. I want to start my life with him. I'm really worried that if we get more bad news on Tuesday, it'll bring him down a lot, make him depressed, and we'll end up fighting for a few days again as we try to decide on our relationship future from there on. Or, the worst should happen and we'll just break up. We're both stressing out, worried, anxious. Even though when James went there 2 weeks ago, and they told him it should be ready in about 3 weeks, he said he doesn't trust them. Something else could come up that'll screw us over even more.

Tuesday can't come soon enough. I'll know the news on Tuesday, on my break at work since he has Tuesday off and can just talk to me on Facebook on my phone while I'm at work. I'll be so anxious the first half of my day at work, and then if we get bad news, I'll be depressed for the last few hours. We're both praying really hard that something good happens, because we really want to meet each other. He said that when he goes to church tomorrow he'll be thinking/praying about it. I will be too, even though I don't go to church (I am religious though).

I'll leave it in God's hands now. If God wants us to meet, then we will meet. If it's not meant to be, then that'll be very, very disappointing and upsetting but another thing to heal from and learn from. No matter how hard I wish and pray for good news, I can't change it if the news is bad. It's going to drive me crazy until then. I just hope the next few days goes by fast.

Wednesday is mine and James' 7 month anniversary. We'll either be celebrating with happy news, or fighting/breaking up with bad news. Tuesday is going to be a very emotional day either way, and I'm glad that I have Wednesday off work to cope with bad news (if it's that) from Tuesday.

This is when I wish I could fast forward to the future, because I'm too anxious to sit here and wait. But I'll try not to dwell on it and just keep going as normal as I have been.

Please God, let there be good news on Tuesday and his passport will be ready soon. I really want to meet him. I want to start my life with him and I want him to be mine. I want this LDR to work badly, and now it all comes down to this one day.

I just hate that I could be losing out on the best thing that's ever happened to me, all because of a stupid passport. Ugh, it's driving me nuts.