If Only...

If only things had gone according to plan, we would have been meeting in person next Wednesday :( but of course, things had to get fucked up with his passport, and well here we are, still in limbo with no date and he's still unsure about when he's moving.

We're still good though, I mean, in our relationship. He's in Pennsylvania right now, sadly for his cousin's funeral which is tomorrow. Him and his dad got a hotel room there, and they'll head back to New York right after the funeral tomorrow. But I'll still get to talk to him tonight. And then on Wednesday, James said he'll call the passport people for another update. After that, he'll make a decision on moving. I just have to be patient and know the wait will be worth it.

Even though we don't have a date, I am excited to do things with him. He agrees that he should be able to make it late May or early June, and he said he is dying to see me. So I know he's as excited to meet me as I am to meet him. I think that after all this waiting and hard times we went through, even after being hurt in the past, we deserve it, and we deserve to be happy with each other.

As of now I'm still waiting for him to get back from the wake that was tonight. I'm not sure what time it was over, or if he was going out with his family afterwards. It's starting to get a little late now and I'm getting worried, wondering where he is. I hate that. If we had texting I could just send him a message and be like hey what's up. Instead I have to wait until he's online. Most relationships couldn't do that. They have to know exactly what their boyfriend/partner is doing 24/7. I'm usually like that to be honest, but I've learned in this relationship to not scrutinize everything he does or demand all the details. Even if sometimes I get upset if he's late or whatever, that's natural. But I still don't demand or assume that he's seeing other girls. He does tell me what he's doing, like he gave me a run down of what was going to happen while he's there in Pennsylvania, but he didn't tell me every detail. I just wish I could have known what time he'd be back tonight so I'm not sitting here worrying :(

I think it's even worse with local relationships, because you're up in each other's business all the time, annoying the crap out of each other, wanting to know exactly where they're at and what they're doing all the time. I was like that with my ex's I'll admit. I think it's part of what drove them away from me. But with James, it's odd because he lives in a different country and I trust him 100%. I don't demand to know where he was when he gets home, although I did that at first, but now I'm getting used to his schedule and whatnot, and I only get upset if he's a couple hours late. That's reasonable I guess.

So, like I said, now the plan is to wait until he gets a hold of the passport place this week and see what they have to say, then this week he'll make a decision about moving. Once that gets into place, he'll put in his 2 week notice at work, then prepare to move to Massachusetts two weeks after that. And, depending on if he gets his passport before he leaves New York or not, he'll wait about a week or so after moving before coming up to see me. So, with that being said, he should get here by early June at the latest. Depending of if we get another delay with his passport or not. I just hate being so uncertain all the time and not being able to tell people when I'll be meeting my boyfriend. I just hope it'll get resolved in the next couple of weeks and then we'll have a countdown once again.

Back to Normal

So, things are back to normal between us, and I'm so glad. For a while there things were pretty unstable, we were fighting and he was feeling bad about the relationship. I wasn't sure what was going to happen, and it scared me. I was scared that after all of this, it was going to end and I'd have to face the people who would laugh at me and say "told you so" plus we'd wonder "what if" and then if he got his passport we'd feel stupid for breaking up. I would also be broken without him. The thought of losing him was crushing me. I didn't want it to come to that. The thought of never being able to meet was killing me inside.

We managed to talk it out and get over our issues. I mean, we've only been together for 6.5 months and the first year of a relationship is all about getting to know each other, good and bad, and working out the kinks. At least, it's been true for me. And around 6 months is when each other's true selves start really coming out, and it's a matter of if you can handle the good and bad of this person or not. I think so far, James and I can handle each other's bad sides.

He also had a death in his family the other day. His close cousin. The wake is on Monday and the funeral is on Tuesday, so him and his dad will be going to Pennsylvania (where his cousin lived) on Monday and staying the night there until Tuesday. They'll probably head back shortly after the funeral. James said it's a 3 hour drive. I assume they'll probably stay with his aunt (the one who lost her son). But he did say he'll bring his laptop with him so that he can talk to me for a bit, probably at night. So it's not like he'll just go to Pennsylvania and I won't hear from him for a couple of days.

Last night when we went on skype, he was back to his normal self, joking around with me as usual. So I'm glad that things are ok between us again and now we just have to wait until he figures out when he's going to move so that will be one step closer.

Tonight I'm going to Halifax to go to the Mic Mac Mall and then hopefully meet up with my friend later to go to a club for a couple of hours. I'll probably drive home tonight. I'll talk to James on facebook while I'm gone, but won't be able to see him on skype tonight :( and the weather is kind of gloomy right now, which really sucks. I prefer to go out and do things like this when the weather is sunny (and warm). But oh well, I guess it gives me something to do. But, I work tomorrow and it's supposed to be nice, of course, or else I would go tomorrow in the nicer weather instead :/

Anyway, I'm going to start getting ready to leave now.

Stuck in Limbo

So, I kinda gave up on those challenges. Oh well. I'm kind of disappointed again because James went to the passport place today with his papers from the case and he said that they told him if all goes well he'll get it in 3 weeks. Well, that's not too bad I guess. Three weeks from now will be the week of May 14th. If he moves soon, he'll still have time to come see me around the end of May. He said that next week he'll go back and follow up on the passport again, and then he'll make a decision about moving. So at the very latest, he could be here at the beginning of June. Depending if all goes well with his passport and moving.

I just hate being stuck in this limbo. We can't move forward until he figures out what to do with his moving thing. So right now, it's still uncertain when we will meet, but hopefully after next week he'll finally have a decision about moving and that'll be at least one step forward. At least if he moves first, then gets his passport, he'll have moving over with and he can just get ready to come and see me once he gets the passport.

So, that's our situation right now. Still stuck, slowly trudging forward. Hoping that something good will happen soon and that I'll only have another week of waiting before he makes the next step. We're in better moods now and once he gets his passport, we'll be even more excited. Right now it's hard for me to believe that he'll actually be here, but I just have to have faith that things will work out in the end.

Anyway, that was a quick update but I'm going to sleep now. I might write more tomorrow.

30 Day Challenge Day 14

What you wore today:

Along with black jeans, nothing too exciting.

How Do You Cheer Your Boyfriend Up?

I'm asking for help from you guys on this one, because I don't know what to do.

Especially since yesterday, but mostly since he heard about the passport issue, he hasn't been himself. Yesterday we both felt like we were dead and didn't feel passion anymore. He said that he felt that he has no purpose anymore, that he's a failure and he let me down.

I don't know if it's just because of the passport issue, or something deeper. I don't want to break up with him, and I know he doesn't want to break up with me. I think that the passport thing hit both of us hard, so now we're all messed up and emotional because we no longer have a countdown, at least until he gets his passport and we can finally make a new date. We were fine before this. But We were both getting excited to meet each other and then this happened. So now we don't have a date and that's a huge blow to both of us.

And I think that's mostly the problem. He feels that he let me down, that I won't want to be with him or wait much longer for his passport to come, so he's all preparing himself for me to break up with him. I've told him that I won't, but I think he's being too hard on himself. I really, really have to meet him. I mean, I don't want us to have come all this way, just to quit when something goes bad. What if I broke up with him this week, and his passport were to come next week? I'd feel stupid and we would both regret it. Plus it wouldn't be the same.

I'm not considering breaking up with him. I really love him, and I was really looking forward to meeting him on May 7th, but now that this setback happened, we were both really let down. He said seeing me on skype cheered him up a bit last night, but he's still not 100% and today for the brief time I talked to him before he left to go with his dad, he said that he feels worse now. I'm really worried about him and I want things to go back to normal. He said he might feel better once he gets out in the cold air for a while, so I hope that he does. I wrote him a note so he can read it while I'm at work, so he'll hopefully feel better from that too. Sigh.

Well, I have to finish getting ready for work. I'll be talking to him again at break and I hope he's somewhat back to his normal self. I hate seeing him this way :(

30 Day Challenge Day 13

Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it:

I am fine with my body, on a scale of 1 - 10 I'm about 8% comfortable with it. Only a couple of things still bother me slightly, but nothing I would go to drastic measures to fix. I think that I have a decent body. No guy I've had sex with has said anything negative about it so far. I don't have a flat stomach, but that's fine. I'll go out in a bikini or tankini with no problems.

I used to really hate my body, and hate my looks and think that I was unattractive. But it's only been this past year that I've started to get more comfortable with how I look and realize maybe I am attractive after all. So, to girls who think that they hate everything about themselves and want to take drastic measures to change, just wait until you're in your 20s. I promise, everything gets better as you get older.

Here's how I look now:

30 Day Challenge Day 12

Five guys whom you find attractive:

1) My boyfriend, of course :3
2) Pierre Bouvier of Simple Plan
3) Leonardo DiCaprio
4) Johnny Depp (mostly when he's playing Captain Jack Sparrow)
5) Paul Walker (RIP)

30 Day Challenge Day 11

Your family:

My family is all still together. My mom's name is Cathy, my dad's name is Jeff, and I only have a younger sister named Brittany. She's two years younger than me. My parents are one month apart in age, and my mom is older than my dad. Right now my mom's 53 and my dad is 52 but my dad will be 53 next month.

We also have seven pets: Three horses, three cats and a goat. One of the horses is being leased to someone, and the horse's name is Raine. Our other horse, Pepsi, is being boarded for a couple of months. The pony, Pixie, is still here. The goat, Gulliver, just kinda wanders around the yard but he never goes anywhere. Well, we did have a couple incidences but nothing's happened since then.

Then we have the three cats. Peter and James are brothers from the same litter. My sister pretty much raised them since they were babies, born in a barn where she took riding lessons. Peter came first, in that he was the planned kitten, and my sister picked him from the beginning. Then one day a few days later my mom went to the barn with my sister, and James started following mom around everywhere. James was the last one of the litter left, so my mom couldn't resist and brought him home as well.

Pumpkin is the 16 year old cat, and she's getting old and skinny so we think she doesn't have too much time left. But she's orange, and she was found back in 1999 when we moved to the other place. One day we were outside getting ready to leave, and suddenly a black, multi-coloured kitten came up to the deck and started rubbing against my legs. Then an orange head (Pumpkin) popped up from the bushes in front of our house. So we kept them, and named them Pumpkin and Evening. Unfortunately, Evening died 4 years later when he got hit by a car :(

So, that is my current family.

I Have Died Everyday Waiting For You

I guess I wanted to write this because I'm having a "I really miss him and need him here now" moment. Also, I didn't update you on the passport situation.

Basically, that "case" that he had a couple years ago (it's over with since then and it wasn't even anything serious or his fault) is giving him some trouble, so his passport is delayed. It could come this week, or a couple of weeks from now, we don't know. He said if it doesn't come this week, he'll go in and give them the paperwork from his case to hopefully help processing it faster. But, if it does come this week, he can still quit his job and move in time to see me for May 7. Otherwise, he'll probably be delayed a few weeks and I could end up having to wait until the end of May or beginning of June to see him.

I don't mind waiting the extra bit, if it comes to that. Just that I was really looking forward to May 7 because it's our 7 month anniversary and it would have been nice to go on an anniversary date with him. And, I hate not knowing for sure now, not having a countdown anymore. I can't say "I'm seeing him in ___ days" because I don't know. I'll have to change my schedule at work, which won't be a big deal. We'll make a new date the day he gets his passport, so that'll give me a few weeks to reschedule my week off. His plan is still the same: to get his passport, put in his 2 weeks notice at work, move two weeks later, then see me a week after he moves. It's only a matter of when.

These times can be devastating in an LDR. You look forward to seeing them for so long, then something happens that they can't make it on time and you have to wait even longer. I guess I'm feeling lonely. I miss James, and I miss my best friend (Dinesh) and I don't know when I'll see either of them. It's been three months since I've seen Dinesh and even longer since I properly hung out with him, since the last time I saw him was for about 15 mins before he had to go to work. Sigh. I haven't properly hung out with a friend since before Christmas.

James does know, that if other problems keep arising (even after he gets his passport) that he can't meet me, I'll get really suspicious and probably break up the relationship. It kills me to say that, because I love him a lot and I really want this to work out and be real. So he's been warned. And I hope he takes it seriously. I know he's upset about the passport thing too, but one thing I am disappointed in with him is that he waited so long to apply for one. He should have applied for it in Jan. or Feb, in anticipation of problems from that one legal case. Plus, he should have thought, "Well I'm going to Canada, I should really apply for a passport now". So I don't really know why he screwed up there. But, I can't change the past, and we're here now so I'll just wait and see when his passport does come.

I'm going to apply for mine probably after his first visit. Since I won't be going there until the end of September, that'll give me lots of time. That's, providing everything goes well with James' first visit. I sometimes wish I could fast-forward the future so that I'll know when James will get his passport and I'll have a countdown again.

I'm still wary about him thinking up excuses even after his passport does get here. Something goes wrong with his health, something happened in the family, any number of things could go wrong. If this is real, he won't let anything else get in the way. I'm tired of guys thinking of excuses not to see me, or not to come to my place, or whining when it's their turn to visit me since apparently driving an hour two weekends a month (on their part) is too much effort. I'm still upset about the passport thing, but I'm just trying to move forward as we are and hope nothing else goes wrong. Because if it does, that'll likely be the end. I'm not putting my heart out there just to keep getting disappointed/upset/hurt every time I get my hopes up. I want to see him. And if he wants to see me, he will see me. I'm not so caught up that I'll be blind if the worst starts to happen.

I guess my emotions are all over the place now and I'm just kinda feeling dull at the moment. I'm like I need to see him within the next two months or this isn't going to work. I finally found my soulmate and I need to be with him. I'll be devastated if this doesn't work.

30 Day Challenge Day 10

Put your music player on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play:

1) Raise a Little Hell - Trooper
2) Run on the Banks - The Stanfields
3) Life Starts Now - Three Days Grace
4) Shut Me Up - Mindless Self Indulgence
5) Take On Me - A-HA
6) Becoming the Bull - Areyu
7) Fear - Disturbed
8) Animal I Have Become - Three Days Grace
9) Play With Fire - Hilary Duff
10) Lay Down - Priestess

That's a sample of the kinda music that I listen to. As you can tell it's a random mish-mash of stuff. Mostly heavy metal or rock though.

30 Day Challenge Day 9

How important do you think education is:

I think that it's very important, because if you drop out of high school and never return, it's really hard to get a job without at least a grade 12 education. Most jobs these days require that you have at least grade 12.

As for college, I do think it's important as well. Even if I haven't had any luck finding a full time printing job yet, it does give you the knowledge that you wouldn't have if you just walked into a print shop and looked around and be like "umm wtf is 12pt paper?" so yeah.

Also, having reading and writing skills are important too. You don't have to write a novel, since some people just aren't interested in writing in general, but at least know the basic grammar and proper spelling of as many words as possible. A lot of jobs wouldn't hire you if you didn't know how to read or write, or if you can't spell, or if you decide to send emails in text speak. It makes you seem less intelligent when you "rite lyke dis" and I don't recommend it. Even if you're trying to be cool or something, people won't take you seriously.

It feels nice to tell people that you've graduated from college. Even if you don't have a job in your field yet, at least you have an education to back you up and you won't seem like an unmotivated loser. My ex, for example, the first one, he hasn't been to college and never will, and he'll probably only have min wage jobs the rest of his life. He's a loser anyway, not only in his life but his personality.

I know I'm only a cashier right now, and I don't look down on cashiers since we have to go through a lot, as in putting up with people's rudeness, children running around destroying things, whiny kids, bratty kids, etc. We do it all for you, to make the customers happy and keep businesses going. I don't mind where I work, but I am still interested in getting a print job because that's what I studied in school and that's where I hope to be one day. Sometimes it just takes a while to get to the top.

So, yes, I do feel that education is very important.

30 Day Challenge Day 8

What you ate today:

I ate bread with peanut butter for breakfast, taters and a cinnamon roll for lunch, a hot dog and ice cream for supper.

Yeah, short entry, but that wasn't a very interesting challenge.

30 Day Challenge Day 7

Five of your pet peeves:

1) When people stand too close to me in line, so close they're bumping their bags and/or arms against me. It's called personal space, and you being that close to me isn't getting you anywhere faster. However, when I'm with a boyfriend I can lean on him all I want, or if I'm at a concert, that's different. But just standing in the line up at the store and having people that close to me bothers me.

2) People who refuse to acknowledge what they've done wrong in a situation, refuse to apologize for anything since they believe they did nothing wrong even when it's clear that they have, and continue to blame the other person for everything no matter what happens.

3) Customers who are rude to those of us who are just doing our jobs. Do you really have nothing better to do than to walk into a store and be rude to someone? Really?

4) Immature people who think that you have to get drunk/trashed to have fun, and that there has to be alcohol at every party/hangout. Sorry, but I'd rather not have a hangover every weekend, that doesn't seem like a good time to me. Plus I want to actually remember what I did, not find out later through embarrassing photos on facebook.

5) Overly optimistic people who trust everyone they meet, and never see the dark, real side of life. They just live in their own bubble and then when something terrible happens in their life, they don't know how to handle it. They also have no idea what it's like to be depressed, and when they try to give life "advice", all they can say is "just forget it and be happy". Pfft, whatever. Also, trusting everyone you meet is bad. It just gets you more hurt in the end.

Best Future Mother in Law Meeting Ever

So, I wanted to write a normal blog post because something hilarious yet also embarrassing happened last night.

I was on skype with James, and my mom hasn't seen him on skype before since she usually goes to bed before we go on skype. So my mom comes up to my room and is holding some paper towel and cleaning spray, and she starts saying how she's worried about how my cat (Pumpkin) will react to a certain food that she fed her, and if she would throw up or not so she brought me the cleaning supplies just in case. My cat is old, so you never really know what she'll like and not like.

Anyway, after she explained all of that (meanwhile James is in New York laughing his ass off) she was like "say hi to James" I was like "umm mom he can hear you". So she sticks her hand in front of the camera and waves, and I'm  like "well he can't see your face" so then she puts her face in beside mine so she can see him. He does his bow thing and she laughs, but at the same time he's still laughing over the cat puke thing.

Ugh. I'll never live this down, yet at the same time it was hilarious. He met his future mother in law while she was talking about cat puke. Great wedding story.

In other news, James called out of work today because he wasn't feeling well this morning. He told me he thinks it's because he's so stressed out and the thought of his passport not getting to him on time is affecting him badly. He's worried about screwing up his chances to meet me. He said he almost slipped on a stoop that he has been going up and down for 20 years. So he called the passport place and left a message, went to a computer lab that is near the passport place and is waiting to hear back from them, once he does he could just go directly to them. If there are no problems and his passport is in the mail or is waiting to be mailed out then that'll be great news. I really hope that happens, ugh. We're both nervous. I mean he has no criminal records or anything, but still.

Anyway, I think that's all I wanted to say for now. I really hope things go well, and pray that nothing goes wrong and he gets his passport with no trouble.

30 Day Challenge Day 6

Your views on mainstream music:

Most of it sucks. Kesha, Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, Beyonce, Kanye West, Jay Z, etc. Yeah, not my thing. It's not real "music". In my opinion, real music is bands who actually work hard to get where they are and play their own instruments and write their own songs. Not "artists" who just hop into a studio, grab a mic and start singing lyrics someone else wrote, then they make some "music" from some DJ beat box or whatever they call those things to go along with the lyrics.

That's how most "artists" do it these days. But like I said, real artists/bands like Simple Plan, Disturbed, Device, Metallica, even some country singers like Taylor Swift (though I'm not a fan of country music) have actually worked hard and deserve to be where they are today. Simple Plan is my favourite band in the world, they have been for 10 years, and that won't ever change.

I also love bands and singers who actually sing live, rather than using playback or lipsyncing. Simple Plan always sings live, because they have amazing talent and they don't have to fake their way on stage. When I saw Disturbed, they were playing live, and it was still fucking awesome. And it's best when the band members or artist actually interacts with the crowd and genuinely loves their fans rather than just getting up there and obviously only doing this for the money.

Artists like Miley Cyrus and Kesha and Beyonce who decide that they have to shock everyone by going nude and doing crazy shit on stage prove that they have no imagination and can't think of anything better to do than prance around half-naked or pretty much naked while grinding and "twerking" on all of her dancers. Miley's motto is "be who you want to be and do whatever you want" but really? I'm pretty sure there's a line to cross, and she's definitely crossed it since we've all seen her boobs. And doing drugs is not cool Miley, sorry. Especially taking a joint while accepting an award on stage. Yeah, definitely crossing the line. No one really cares about your Chanel purses and you think you want to shock everyone by showing the world that you smoke now. COOL. Not.

Sorry if any of you are Miley fans but I just don't respect her anymore. You go ahead and like her all you want. If you argue with me you won't change my opinion. I know that people don't like Simple Plan and I don't really care, I respect people's opinions. So same goes for you.

Anywho that's my views on mainstream "music".

30 Day Challenge Day 5

Things you want to say to an ex:

I want to say this to my first ex, the one I dated right after high school.

Oh, there's so many things I want to say seriously, and I have tried. But each time I do try, you just don't even bother to read it and brush it off with an "uh huh" because you're an immature asshole who won't seriously look at or admit his own faults, and that's why you've never changed, not since the time I dated you. I know if I showed you this link right now, all I'd get back is "uh huh" and then "go away, stop harassing me". -_-

You were my first serious boyfriend, and at first I thought you were nice, of course, as is what happens in most relationships. Then things started getting strange when, a few months in, your ex told me that you were asking her about her boobs. Then you manipulated your conversation with her to make it look like she was harassing you.

I should have taken the hint then. But of course, we're all young and stupid at some point. By then you had me hooked, and I stupidly believed you when you said that she was just making that up to try and break us up. Anyway, I won't bother to list everything you have done to me, I could write a novel or memoir about that. At the time I dated you, I had never seriously dated anyone or "loved" anyone before, so of course I became attached quickly, and I was majorly insecure. But you kind of took advantage of that and manipulated me, whenever I caught you doing something stupid you'd have some excuse to get me to believe that it wasn't your fault. You hurt me bad.

Even after we broke up, you stalked and harassed me for years, trying to screw with my feelings even while you were dating someone new. That's just pathetic and low. Even after the many times I told you out right that I don't want to be your friend, you'd still find me, call me mean names such as slut, bitch, whore, say that I'm a waste of air and that no wonder no one wants to be my friend, etc. You've even talked and harassed me at work so bad that my boss at the time had to tell you off, and even then you had the nerve to show up in person that same day and harass me some more. I don't know what goes through your head sometimes, and I'm pretty sure your "brain" is fried from too much video gaming, so you don't know anything about common sense.

Thanks to you, my depression started and got worse. You made me feel horrible about myself. Now, I don't give a flying rat's ass what you think about me. Mostly cause I don't care about you anymore, and I wish you'd just leave me the fuck alone forever, and never contact me again, because each time you try to "befriend" me, only ends in drama with you harassing and calling me names. It's the same shit each time, even though at first you claim that you've changed. I never believe you when you say that though. You'll never change. You'll always be the same, immature asshole, having to harass your ex's even though your girlfriend is now your wife.

I'm not sure if I can ever forgive you for what you've done. Especially after the break up, you treated me even worse than when we were together. That's not something you do to someone who you want to be your "friend". No wonder I'm wary whenever you contact me, and you wonder why I won't open up to you. So please, just leave me alone for good. I never want to hear from you again, no matter how many times you think you want to be my friend. My life is much more peaceful without you. You're my ex for a reason. And no, we won't work out as friends because you rush things too much. I tell you I don't want to hang out right away, and yet you keep asking and pushing. I tell you I don't want to go on webcam, yet you pretty much make me feel like I have to soon. That's not something you do if you're trying to reconcile a friendship. If the other person is wary with you, give them time. Not push them even if they say no right away. You apparently don't know how to properly reconcile a friendship.

Anyway, this is long enough, I could go on forever about the things I want to say to him, but this will be all for now.

30 Day Challenge Day 4

Bullet your whole day:

• Wake up.
• Go on computer.
• Read a bit.
• Get ready for work.
• Eat lunch.
• Work from 3 - 9.
• Come home. 
• Go on computer.
• Talk to James and celebrate our 6 month anniversary.
• See James on skype (hopefully if Skype works).
• Go to sleep around 1:30 am. 

Yup, I really have exciting days. It's annoying when your friends are too busy to hang out with you, and I haven't seen some of them in a few months. I haven't properly hung out with my best friend since September. But, as they say, some friends you can only see a couple of times a year but still be really close. I guess me and him are becoming one of those. It's kind of annoying because I'm used to hanging out with him more often, and now we've gone this long without seeing each other. I know that James only sees his best friend every so often, so it's not like he hangs out every weekend either.

I guess it's part of getting older, you know. My parents don't "hang out" with their friends, although sometimes their friends come and visit randomly, or we do have planned visits once in a while. Some of us realize that we don't need to be around people all the time. The others still have the mindset that they need to be surrounded by their friends and go to parties every weekend. One of my friends invited me to hang out this weekend, but who knows if that'll happen or if she'll change her mind at the last minute. I'd like to hang out with her and get out of the house for once, plus again it's been since before Christmas that we've hung out last. So I do hope it happens but I'm not holding my breath. 

I'm not really too depressed over it, as in, feeling so lonely that I can't take life anymore. Talking to James every night is a big help. But even so, I survived 10 months without him when I was single, so it's not like I'm fully dependent on him. I just wish I could get out of the house more and enjoy life, rather than sit here all day (when I'm not working). I do know that when James comes, those 7 days will be the most active I've been since probably September, when I was living with my best friend. Even when I was living with my best friend, we barely hung out properly since he was always doing school work, or his roommates would interrupt us every 5 seconds when we tried to talk in his room. But at least I could still see him everyday. 

I guess I'm used to being a loner. Living out here in the boonies is what I'm used to. Most people my age can just easily walk or drive across town to their friend's place. Or they even live with their friend. But I can't. I have to drive 20 mins to town, or any of my friend's places, and that doesn't bother me but it seems to bother people when they come out to visit me. I've had people more than once comment when they come here, "wow, it's so far out" and I'm just like uh no it's not, but I guess I'm used to driving that far into town everyday. My friends live pretty close to town, or right in town so they're used to being close to everything. 

I think that when James comes here, he won't mind how far my place is from town, even though he's used to being able to just walk places whenever he wants. He likes going on drives, and he hates the city and would rather be peaceful. I wonder if when he first comes here, he'll comment on how "far out" from town it is. Even when he moves to Massachusetts, he'll still be in the middle of downtown, and he says that's quiet compared to NY, which is true I suppose. The town is probably one like Truro. He'll be able to walk to a lot of places, since his mom's place is close to them. 

Anyway, that's my bullets for the day. 

30 Day Challenge Day 3

A book you love:

Diablo: Kingdom of Shadow.

Probably most of you have not heard of the Diablo novels. Most people don't, when I first mention them. They're like ummm, ok. But yeah, Diablo Kingdom of Shadow is my favourite novel. Here's the summary on the back of the book:

Legend speaks of a long-dead city known as Ureh, thought by many to have been a gateway to the High Heavens. It is believed that every two thousand years, when the stars align and the shadow of Mount Nymyr falls upon the ruins, Ureh is reborn - and all its lost riches are revealed to those brave enough to seek them out.

Now, after a lifetime of research and intense calculation, the Vizjerei sorcerer, Quov Tsin, has come to witness Ureh's rebirth for himself. But that which awaits Tsin and his hired band of mercenaries is nothing like what they expected. They will find that the dream of radiant Ureh is, in fact, a twisted nightmare of horror - one that will draw them inexorably into the kingdom of shadow. 

If that doesn't spark your interest, I can insert a small excerpt here, from pages 214 to 215:

    The shouts of merriment had risen so high now that they actually hurt his ears. Did these people never rest? Had they nothing more to do than celebrate? True, they had much reason for their happiness, but even a mercenary liked peace and quiet on occasion. The sooner Albord returned to the palace, the better. At least then he could find some escape from the carefree madness spread among the populace - 
     A short-lived scream cut through the air.
     Drawing his sword, the young fighter raced the rest of the way to the gates. Perhaps he had been wrong, but he swore to himself that the scream had sounded as if torn from the throat of Jodas. Albord rounded the final corner - 
     And came across a tableau of terror that stopped him dead in his tracks.
     A sea of horrific, shambling corpses - husks of bodies, to be precise - swarmed together like the hungry, vicious fish he had seen once in the jungle rivers. Clad in tattered, soiled garments, they madly fought one another as they all sought to claim some prize in their midst. Their gaping mouths, rounded and full of sharp teeth, opened and closed repeatedly. A few to the side could be seen feeding, their gnarled, skeletal hands gnawing on some bloody bit of meat.
     From within the ever-growing mass, a human figure struggled his way to the top. 
     Orlif, his face ripped, his arms drenched with his own blood, cut with his sword, trying to reach freedom. From where he stood in shock, Albord could see that most of the mercenary's other hand had been torn or bitten off.
     Orlif saw him, and what Albord caught in that pleading gaze made him more terrified than he ever could have thought possible. 
     Then suddenly something tugged at the older fighter from within the hungering mass of fiends. Orlif let out one hopeless cry - and was dragged back down among them.
     "NO!" The shout escaped Albord before he could stop himself.
     Empty eye sockets stared unerringly at the stunned soldier. Goulish shapes began to turn in his direction. 
     Sense at last returned...and Albord turned and ran as fast as he could. 
     Throughout the monstrous, grisly scene, the music, laughter and cheers had continued unabated. Albord looked this way and that as he ran, but of the merrymakers themselves he saw no sign. It was as if a city of ghosts celebrated around him. 

And there you have it.

As for why it's my favourite novel, well, as you can tell from the above excerpt, there's a lot of action, even right from the very first page. I love novels that have action every other chapter, rather than several long chapters of talking and doing nothing, waiting for the climax to occur (aka Twilight or 50 Shades). I have a couple of the other Diablo novels, and read more, and I do plan to collect them all eventually. It's just that they're not in bookstores so I have to order them online. You can find them on Amazon or even eBay, or any bookstore website probably. And you can even go to your local bookstore and ask them to order it in for you.

I'm trying to convince James to read them, so maybe I'll pick up an extra copy for him XD He's not too into fantasy novels, he's more into real life history and that kind of stuff like wars and whatnot. But I told him about the Diablo novels and he said they sound cool, so I'm pretty sure he's open to reading whatever I recommend. And of course, he said he wants to read my own novel that I am writing :3

30 Day Challenge Day 2

Something you feel strongly about:

That things happen in life for a reason. Sometimes those reasons don't make sense, and at the time we're wondering "omg why did this happen, I hate life" etc. Sometimes we may never figure out the real reason. Sometimes when a relative or someone close to us passes away whether prematurely or naturally, for a while we forget about "reasons" and just concentrate on our pain of missing the person. I've lost people close to me, and I still miss them. And when I hear about death and tragic things happening, sometimes I wonder why. I don't have the answers for everything, and I'm not saying I do. But I don't really want to get into that complicated topic.

I know that James came into my life for a reason. I finally found my soulmate, well he found me. God brought him to me because He knew that we could make this LDR work, and that James' personality would be good with mine. He knew that James was my soulmate all along. It just took a while to find him.

And I think all the hurt I've been through before, helped me to get stronger for this relationship. Each time I was hurt by a guy, I learned something new. Plus it showed me what I like and don't like in boyfriends. Also, dating different guys rather than just one guy the whole time gives me an advantage because I've been in different situations, so I can relate to most people who are going through things in relationships.

Anyway, so far most things in my life have happened and led to something better, aka a reason for that bad thing happening. Each new thing a person faces is a new learning experience, whether or not they see it at the time. Sometimes the pain of a bad situation can interfere with one's ability to think clearly. I've been through those situations as well. Like, when I dated guys I thought I really liked, then they broke up with me, I was like "omg whhyy" and then later on realize that something or other wasn't right in the relationship and it's a good thing that it ended.

Same as when friendships have ended. Even if at the time you were fighting, they said things to hurt you and you don't know why they said that particular thing, it'll make you stronger in the end especially if you don't retaliate to their level by calling them names or saying mean things back to them.

Right now my life is at a pretty good place. I have an amazing LDR boyfriend who I'm going to meet in 31 days, I have a good family, a job, and friends. I might not have much of a social life of going out every night or every weekend like most people my age do, but meh, I'd rather stay in to talk to my boyfriend anyway. And so far, everything that has happened, or at least most things, have all led up to this in some way or another.

That was a long, rambly post for a challenge, but hey, it's something I feel strongly about.

30 Day Challenge Day 1

This isn't a relationship challenge. This is a more "about me" challenge I guess. Again it's a 30 day one, and I figure that if I do this, by the time I'm done, I'll be getting ready for when James comes. I tried doing it just on Twitter and I completely forgot a few days, so I figure if I write it on my blog I'll be able to remember it easier. Sorry if challenges annoy you, but at least I'd be posting something every day. Plus you'll learn more about me.

Anyway, here's Day One:

Five Ways to Win Your Heart

1. Be yourself. This sounds cliché, but it's true. If you're a fake ass, and lie to me about things from the beginning just to impress me, then your true self comes out later, it's not cool. Guys hate when girls are fake, so don't be a fake yourself.
2. Be honest. I can't stand guys who lie to cover their own ass. How do you expect a girl to ever give you her all and trust you if you just keep lying to them whenever you do something stupid? And if you really loved her, you wouldn't do those stupid things or treat her like shit.
3. If you are a nice, romantic guy, and not the fake romance either. I need romance, and if a guy just refuses to give me flowers, well then that proves to me he doesn't listen to what I really want even after I blatantly ask for it. Think of cute ways to surprise me rather than buying me elaborate gifts. And don't just buy me gifts on occasions, think of me randomly through the year like if you are in a store and see something I might like. I enjoy surprises.
4. Make me feel like you actually want to see me and spend time with me, and put the time and effort into a relationship. Initiate going on a date, for example, you be the one to be like “hey babe let's go out” rather than me having to say that all the time. Basically, don't make me feel like I'm doing everything to keep us together. Each person needs to put 100%, but if one of them is only putting 50%, it makes the other person feel that the relationship is one-sided.
5. Accept my past, encourage my present and support my future. I'll do the same for you. Unless of course, you're doing something real stupid like got into drugs or cheated on me. And same as if I started doing things you didn't approve of, then the relationship probably wouldn't work out.   

Getting Caught up too Quick

Sometimes, if a person hasn't had a crush or relationship for quite a while, then someone promising comes along, they end up getting swept off their feet, only to crash a few weeks later when things go wrong. I've had that happen to me too. And then, there are the people who think they're "in love", end up moving out with the person a few months later or having a kid with them, only to of course have things not work out.

After my ex of one year broke up with me, I was of course very upset because I liked him a lot. I was like "he was a nice guy, so why did it have to end, I won't find anyone better, blah blah". I was sort of friends with him after the breakup and we hung out a couple times. But it still hurt me that he'd broken up with me and didn't want to date me anymore. But, I realized later that he wasn't putting any effort into the relationship and would complain when it was his turn, but anyway.

I was single for four months after my ex, and yet still liked him a lot. However, finally I got over him when I transferred my feelings to someone else who I thought was cute. I met him online, then in person. Of course he only wanted to have sex with me rather than an actual relationship. But just the cute things he said, the things we had in common, and of course how cute he was physically, got my hurt feelings from the previous relationship caught up into a little crush on the new guy. I would text him often, and then after about a week it would confuse me when he said like "oh don't text me I am doing this, I'll text you later" and most times he never did. A couple of times he got all upset because I texted him just before he went into an exam and I'm like well how am I supposed to know? I hung out with him a total of three times in person, but I thought well I finally have a texting and calling buddy, someone to chat to and I like him. It's funny because he did tell me at the very beginning that he wanted a relationship too.

But, as I became comfortable with talking to him, I told him about my suicidal stuff (I was highly suicidal and depressed at the time) and that's what turned him off I think. Being there was a few year's age gap (he was younger than me), his maturity level was way below mine and he couldn't handle the real issues of life. Well, he was only in my life about a couple of months. Then finally one day he got tired of me complaining about my suicidal stuff, and ratted me out to my parents after asking me for my home phone number. To be honest, I think he did that more for himself than me, because afterwards he just stopped talking to me. He did that to get me off his back, not because he was really concerned. Well he might have been somewhat concerned, but not too much.

Anyway, I was upset and hurt that he wasn't answering my messages anymore, because I thought I'd found a friend, if nothing else. So again I had to heal for a bit, and then I met another guy who, turns out, just wanted the same thing. I saw him a couple of times, but didn't really have a crush on him. Finally, I met a guy who actually wanted a relationship, and we dated for a month in November of 2012. At least it helped to get my mind off things and I did have a good time with him, although one day he just broke up with me literally out of nowhere. Again, I was upset and hurt, and so that was when I finally decided to just be like fuck it, no more guys for me, I'm waiting and not looking on dating sites anymore. I deleted my profile and haven't been on there since.

Well, ten months later, it paid off and I started dating James. I didn't expect to be in an LDR, it just happened. But James has been a huge part of my life for the past 8 months that we have been talking/in a relationship (we talked as friends for slightly over a month before we decided to try out a relationship). And things have been going amazingly well. Despite our few tiffs that we have, as most couples do, we rarely have huge arguments that explode into something unfixable.

As for how I knew I was falling for him, well the more we talked on DA and how we saw each other on skype a few times, I knew he was real but again I wasn't sure if he'd ever want to be in an LDR. I became more attached to him the more we talked, although at first I was wary, obviously, because you can't be too cautious on the internet. I began to open up more and he did too. He seemed like he was being honest and there was nothing suspicious about his stories/background, or any red flags that went up that are the usual signs of a scammer. When I first saw him on skype, he told me how he's usually stoic and doesn't laugh too much. I saw that was true at first, but the more we began talking on skype, the more he opened up and would laugh at the funny/stupid things I said. He said recently that I'm one of the few people who gets to see him like that.

I also know someone who's been single for a while, he met someone online who lived close to him and got caught up in how much they had in common, how good-looking she was, etc. They met up a couple times, and hit it off well, and he told me he wanted to take things slow with her but was getting quickly attached to her, but then one day she told him she didn't want a relationship so he was pretty hurt about that and I don't blame him. James has had that happen to him with girls, even if they talked to him for a bit, turned him down in some way by telling him they didn't want to talk to him anymore or that they had a boyfriend. That's why he's been single for his whole life until now, no girls would give him a chance to get to know him, and most judged him by his physical appearance and immediately wrote him off as un-dateable.

So, if you've been single for a while and decide to try looking again, don't be caught up by the first attractive person who shows interest in you. I know it's hard to just keep those feelings aside, because you've been wanting to feel this kind of attraction again for so long. But if the person turns out not to be who you thought they would be, and you're already attracted to them, it makes it harder to break things off, and usually the other person ends up doing that, therefore hurting your feelings. Make sure you get to know their intentions right from the start. Make sure you find out if they are single or not. It always hurts when you're flirting with someone for a while, and it turns out they are taken or like someone else, or aren't looking for a relationship after all.