So, tomorrow James is going to the movies in New Jersey with his best friend...and I'll be here alone all day, waiting for him to come back, as usual.
I know he hasn't hung out with him since like October when we first got together, so it was about time plus he'd wanna see him before James goes to Massachusetts, but still. At first it kind of feels like "oh you'd rather go hang out with them than talk to me on your day off" and I have no idea how long he'll be gone for but I'm guessing most of the day if he's going to New Jersey. But at the same time I don't want to be that possessive girlfriend and make him feel bad for hanging out with his friend.
I guess it's because I'm alone most of the time, and whenever I ask my friends to hang out, they're always busy, yet any other time they're "bored" and they don't ask me to hang out. Sigh. I'll hopefully see my best friend on March break again after not having properly hung out with him for 5 months. But then when James gets to go out and do something fun without me, I just feel a pang of jealousy because I wish I was there. I know it's good to have friends outside of your relationship, especially in an LDR because then you're not totally alone while you're away from them.
I should be glad his best friend isn't a girl, which I am. I mean, that's a double standard, since my best friend is a guy. But again, it's kinda different because there is no chance with me and my best friend since he's Indian, so James doesn't have anything to worry about. But if James' best friend was a girl, I'd be a hell of a lot more worried.
LDR relationships require a lot of trust, and an extreme amount of patience. Even though the days are winding down, it still feels like it's dragging on, and then when he goes out to do stuff and isn't talking to me it feels like he's even farther away from me. I guess that's another reason that I'm jealous of him going out tomorrow. Plus we don't get a whole lot of time to talk if you think about it. I mean, when he's at work during the day, he sometimes doesn't get home until after 9 pm my time, then he goes and has a shower about an hour later, and after the shower we get another hour or so to talk. So sometimes we only get to talk for three hours a night, which is not fun at all. To me it doesn't feel like enough time. Especially after waiting all that empty day.
I wasn't in the best of moods tonight, and I often keep thinking that James deserves someone better than me. I don't want to make any stupid decisions because of my insecurities, because I know I'd be making the wrong choice in leaving him. He told me that he's here to help me and I believe that, because without him I'd feel even more alone in that no one will love me for who I am. I'm still not even back to my normal self and I'm not sure I want to see him on skype tonight which is odd because I always want to see him. I'm not feeling well physically and mentally I guess, and I just don't want him to see me because I look like crap.
Anyway, I know I don't have to worry about James wandering or finding someone else, and yet I still do. But he keeps to himself, he's an introvert like me so he doesn't like to be social except with people who are close to him. It's mostly my own insecurities that make me worry, it's not that I don't trust him because I do. I just have to make myself better and force myself not to feel jealous even when I want to. Well, I know I'll feel it, but even when I do I shouldn't act on it. I shouldn't make him feel bad for wanting to hang out with his best friend. I don't want to be that kind of girlfriend.
Well, I guess that's all I'm going to say for now. I'm in an off mood tonight, and not feeling well like I said. Still waiting for James to get back from his shower.
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