Trouble Sleeping

So, I'm having this slight problem of sleeping.

My sleep schedule's fucked. It's been fucked for a while since I don't have a job so I have no reason to go to sleep early. Unfortunately that also means I end up sleeping until 11am or 12pm. But then I start to think that it doesn't matter, since I don't have anything to look forward to, except talking to James which usually doesn't happen until the evening time anyway. When he has days off I try to wake up a bit earlier so that I can catch him before he goes out to do errands with his dad, which a couple of times I've missed him and that made me sad since I had to wait until later in the afternoon before he came online again.

Right now my eyes and body are tired, but my mind won't shut up. A lot of the thoughts are of James, of course. Most of my thoughts are consumed by how it'll be like when I can finally meet him. How it'll feel like to kiss him, hold him, be with him. What it would be like if he was here right now, holding me as I fell asleep. I'm sure other LDR couples have similar thoughts while they're trying to sleep. At least, before the first time they met.

A lot of it's nerves and anxiety. The nerves being for the actual meeting, of course. Anxiety being if he'll ditch me at the last minute, and this will turn out to be a fraud or not a good relationship. I do know that he's not a fraud and that he won't hurt me, he's just as excited to meet me as I am for him, but the thoughts do cross my mind at times.

I'm also suffering from long time depression and missing him doesn't help. There are times when my sister and her boyfriend are here and I'm the only "single" one in the house since my parents are there too. So it makes me feel bad to see my sister and her bf all up on each other and to think that I still have 92 days before I can even kiss my boyfriend. Plus, all the people on facebook and other social media who get to be with their partners and I'm just like...yup, fun times.

I know the wait will be worth it. I know how satisfying it'll be when I can finally hug and kiss him and spend time with him. Our four months anniversary is on Friday. I honestly can't believe it's been four months already. Five months since I've met him. He's been a huge part of my life since then, and I don't know how I ever lived without him. At least when I was single for ten months before I met him, sleeping came easier lol. It seems even more real now that my parents and sister have begun to accept him as part of our lives...even though he's not here. I guess because I talk about him so much, that he's starting to seem real to them now.

Even though me and James can't spend Valentine's Day together physically, I'm still going to try and do something special for him over skype. I won't be able to mail him anything until March since that's when he's finally going to move to Massachusetts, but for now I can do things on skype for him. And even online, like make a video or something. I'll see. I made him a video for his birthday back in November.

Well, with that being said, I think I'm going to head off and at least try to sleep since my eyelids are pretty heavy now. I really need to fix my sleeping schedule again but it's hard when I'm not doing anything during the day so I don't feel tired early. Sigh.

92 days until May 7th, 2014 <3