There are days when you sit there and think about how much you miss your significant other and want them in your arms right now. For most relationships, that's easy, because they see each other everyday (in extreme circumstances and not counting living together), every few days or once or twice a week. So you get to hold them and kiss them pretty much whenever you want to.
For me though, even when all I want is to hug him, I still have to wait 114 days. I just want to be in his arms and I can't. I don't even know what his arms will feel like around me, since we haven't met yet. Most people would say "why should you miss him when you haven't even met him". I just do. There's no explaining it, and I feel like I shouldn't have to explain my feelings to people. There are times when I get really depressed and all I want is him next to me, but I have to settle for his encouraging words and I love that I'm able to be completely myself with him and he still loves everything about me, just as I love everything about him. I've been waiting all my life to hear a guy say that.
Even in relationships with guys here before, I felt like I had to mask or cover up some of who I was, because they would get tired of me being depressed and sad for no reason. Eventually there would be a lot of fighting because they wouldn't accept me for who I was. I'm better with depression now but I still have those days where I feel like nothing's going right and why should I keep going? When I have those days, I can just send him a note on DA (if he's at work) or talk to him about it when he comes home and he'll make me feel better. It's also really hard when you want to talk to them in a real conversation, but since we don't have international texting yet, that can't happen all the time. If he works a closing shift I sometimes have to go over 24 hours without talking to him. Those days are really hard. I usually end up sending him a bunch of notes because I get lonely/bored/sad/miss him and want to tell him of something I did, or if I'm depressed or anything. He doesn't mind though, he said reading my notes and talking to me makes his day better.
It's even harder when I see everyone else in relationships, and it's shoved in my face every weekend when my sister's boyfriend comes over. I'm happy for them and whatnot, and I often hang out with them since my sister will ask me to, but it's really hard to watch them kiss, hug and hold hands, and I get depressed all over again when I realize it'll still be another ____ days before I'll get to do that with my boyfriend.
Is it illogical to miss someone you haven't met? Probably. But I have other internet friends whom I have yet to meet in person, and I miss them. Just not in the same way as I miss my boyfriend, obviously. I feel James' spirit around me, maybe I'm delusional but I often feel like he's here next to me. We have a connection that is different from anything I've ever felt before, and he's said he hasn't felt this way before either.
What makes it harder for me is that I don't have a job to keep me busy, so I'm left home alone a lot while everyone else is at work (including James and my family). Since I'm an introvert I don't mind being home alone often, but it can wear on me after a while, and I start to wonder if there's really a point to my life. Plus I'm worried that if I don't get a job in time for May, I won't save up the money I want to save for when James comes. He said he'll still come anyway, so I hope he will. But I don't want him to have to pay for everything since he'll be paying for gas on the trip here and back, plus getting a passport and all that. So I really hope I get a job soon...I've been applying for whatever I see online that I might like, but so far I never hear a response. And that makes me depressed too.
I know waiting all this time will be worth it. It's already almost halfway through January, I'm pretty sure May will get here soon enough. But sometimes it just feels like it'll take forever to get here.
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